Breaking free from parent-child trauma bonding

Certain topics are not discussed enough, and one of those sensitive ones is the dynamics of trauma bonding. Relegated to intimate relationships in most cases, it is equally significant and destructive when it develops between a parent and child.

This complex attachment is not rooted in healthy, consistent affection but in a cyclical pattern of abuse, emotional neglect, or significant parental inconsistency followed by periods of positive reinforcement, apologies, or calm.

The child, whose survival and core needs are entirely dependent on the parent, becomes intensely attached to the source of both their comfort and their distress.

And if you grew up in an African household, some of these may hold. Be warned.

In certain instances, trauma bonding operates through intermittent reinforcement.

The parent provides enough care by showing affection, giving a random gift, a compliment, or temporary stability to keep the child hopeful and attached, thus effectively “hooking” them despite the preceding or subsequent negative behaviour.

Psychologist Patrick Carnes describes this process as one where the victim confuses intense emotional arousal with intimacy. For a child in this case, this confusing cycle of cruelty and kindness creates profound cognitive dissonance, as you can imagine.

Their developing brain struggles to reconcile the biological imperative to bond with the caregiver with the pain the caregiver inflicts.

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To survive the emotional chaos (or emotional turmoil), the child’s mind attempts to protect the attachment by rationalising or minimising the abuse and magnifying the positive moments, thereby strengthening the bond.

To identify this toxic behaviour, you must look beyond surface-level family drama. Every family has that; this is entirely a different animal. You will notice certain behaviours and relationship patterns. They may exhibit extreme loyalty to the parent, fiercely defending them even when the parent’s actions are clearly destructive or harmful to others.

They will also develop a chronic pattern of low self-worth, a pervasive feeling of being responsible for the parent’s happiness, and an inability to establish firm personal boundaries.

To confirm it further, the adult child may find themselves repeatedly drawn to emotionally unstable or abusive partners. Why? Because they are unconsciously seeking to replicate the volatile, yet familiar, intensity of the parental bond.

To break free, the victim must analyse their relationship with the abusive parent, a process that a professional therapist should facilitate. With proper guidance, the goal is to separate the powerful feeling of attachment from genuine, healthy love.

And this involves establishing and strictly enforcing physical and emotional boundaries with that parent, which may necessitate reduced contact or, in some cases, a period of estrangement.

The victim can mourn the loss of the functional parent they deserved but didn’t get and work on building an entirely new framework for intimacy based on mutual respect, safety, and predictability rather than crisis and control.