My husband's gone off sex but I can't lose weight

Dear Coleen,

I’m 45 and I was always a size 10 to 12 in my 30s. After the birth of my third child at 39 I started gaining weight and I just haven’t been able to shift it. I’m a nurse and I do shift work, so I often skip meals and then eat crisps, toast and pasta. I’m now a size 18 and I feel very self-conscious of my body.

My husband has also noticed and he has stopped initiating sex. I’ve tried to approach him in the last six months and he just turns me down. I’ve asked him outright and he’s said that he wishes I would lose weight and that he no longer finds me attractive. Ironically, it’s made me go off and eat even more and I often get through a whole family bag of sweets or crisps when I get home.

I seem to be stuck in a vicious circle and I just can’t lose weight. What can I do?

Coleen says

I feel your pain, I really do. Because I know just how it feels for your weight to go up and down and feel like there’s nothing you can do about it. It sounds like you’ve turned to emotional eating and got into a few bad habits.

It’s so hard when you’re tired and you’ve had a long day, and you just feel like something sweet. And then for your husband to say, “I just don’t fancy you” on top of that makes you want to eat more. I know, for me, it can turn into a bit of a ­rebellion. You think, “sod you, you should love me anyway, despite how much I weigh”.

But I think you need to stop thinking about it as losing weight and stop thinking you’re doing this for your husband. Instead, start doing something for you and your health. Don’t think about weight, so don’t go on a diet – just start eating healthily. Make tiny tweaks, like having a better breakfast, or thinking about portion sizes. Have fewer sugars in your tea and so on. I’m such an evening snacker, so that’s often one area I’ll change when I’m trying to eat better and, boring as it sounds, I swap ­whatever I’m snacking on with fruit or a square or two of dark chocolate.