Dear Readers, thank you for trusting me with so many of your very private, very personal sex questions, fears, hopes, dreams and challenges. It has been an honour and a privilege, and I have done my best to respond openly, honestly and with the kindness, empathy, professionalism and compassion that you deserve. As we wrap up this year and look forward to the next year, I would like to leave you with a few ideas about how you can have a more exciting, more fulfilling sex life in the new year. Remember the acronym: P.A.I.R.
Good sex doesn’t just happen. Great sex doesn’t just happen. Contrary to popular belief, sexual excitement and satisfaction don’t just happen. They require intention: you must purpose and decide about the kind of sex life you want to have, whether you are married, single, gay, straight or somewhere in between. How about taking the time now – right now, after reading this – to think about the kind of sex you want to have, including abstinence for personal or religious reasons. Whatever it is, it must start with a decision and purpose, so decide!
You have started the year with a sense of purpose. Now is the time to act on the purpose. Bring your decisions to life by changing or interrupting the patterns or behaviors that have been robbing you of a full and satisfying sex life. If you have been drinking a lot of alcohol, smoking cigarettes or hookah/shisha, ingesting other drugs and substances, then this would be a great place to act and reduce or eliminate these things. Their benefits don’t last anyway so why allow them to numb you to what would otherwise be a fulfilling experience? Other areas to act on would include being deliberate about contributing to the kind of sex life that you would like to have. If, for example, you want to have frequent sex, then you can communicate that to your partner, initiate it more often, invest in some sex-positive additions, for instance sex toys, lingerie for both men and women, erotic reading material…whatever you feel you need. The point is, if you want a maize harvest, it’s not enough to remove weeds that are killing your crop. You must actually plant seeds so that you can harvest crops. In the same way, it’s not enough to act against the sex killers in your life; you must actually increase your contribution of sex builders in order to have a sex life that resembles the one that you desire. Here’s to action in the new year, in every sense of the word!
Indulge yourself, indulge your partner and indulge your senses in more of what you want. Involve all your senses in what you see, smell, hear, touch and taste.
Involve yourself and your partner in the variety that you crave; boredom is a sex killer so seek out the variety you need. Travel near and far, try new foods, try new positions, include sex games as a part of your daily life; even temporary mutually-agreed upon abstinence may surprise you with sexual benefits cultivated with clothes on!
Remember that sex is ultimately play so relax into it. Refuse to turn it into a weapon, refuse to mix up your sex life with your relationship issues and make it a point to indulge your sexual desires instead of quashing them. You deserve to have great sex. Believe that!
This is important: resist the tendency to compare yourself to others, in reality or in your imagination. Resist the temptation to compare your current partner to former partners. Resist the inclination to be pessimistic about your sex life; to believe that because things are difficult or busy or painful now then that is how things will always be. Things will not always be difficult; trust me on this. Things get better all the time! Couples go through difficult seasons all the time, and then they overcome them and look back at those difficult times as what they really were; difficult seasons. If you have just had a baby, you may both be so exhausted that you no longer remember why you ever thought sex was a good idea in the first place but you know what? Babies grow, get on sleep schedules, colick ends, diapers give way to potties and peace generally returns to the home. Your sex drive may suffer but it need not die, so resist the urge to believe the present too much, especially when the present is a difficult season. In other words, have a little faith!
I am excited and looking forward to many more opportunities to connect with you next year. I am also looking forward to hearing about your sex successes so don’t be shy to share them with me. Till then, three cheers to you and your soon-to-be happy, healthy, suc-sexful 2018!
Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy and practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu