How perfectionism starts in childhood

Perfectionism is usually looked at in adulthood, where the pressure to perform and succeed becomes more visible. However, psychologists say it begins in childhood.

Consultant psychologist James Bosse says the environment children grow up in has a major impact on determining perfectionist tendencies.

“When a child is born, they are a blank slate. Therefore, we cannot say a child is born a perfectionist,” he says.

Instead, perfectionist traits tend to begin developing during the early school years. He divulges that patterns formed in the first years of life influence how children respond to expectations later on. Perfectionist traits tend to appear around five to seven years because of the environment, especially when children become more aware of expectations and performance.

Children then begin comparing themselves with others and start competing academically and socially. As they approach adolescence, these tendencies can become more noticeable.

“Children start competing, and it becomes more visible as they get older, right before teenagehood,” he says.

Other personality traits of perfectionism include defensiveness, avoiding taking up tasks, fear of failure, being highly self-critical, being sensitive to criticism, and setting unrealistic expectations.

Family expectations and parenting styles are among the strongest influences on whether perfectionism develops. James explains that environments that create rigid expectations on children can unintentionally encourage perfectionist behaviour.

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He says that parenting styles that set very high standards and are authoritarian tend to create more perfectionists. It stems from fear of losing approval; therefore, they perform and outdo expectations.

“It is a controlled environment with a systematic way of doing things, and there are ways things are supposed to be done. It becomes conditioned approval,” he says.

In such settings, children learn that performing well gets approval and love, and eventually, this can impact how they see themselves and their worth.

While encouragement is important, James discourages praise that is focused mainly on achievement other than effort, which then distorts a child’s sense of identity. In these situations, children may begin to link their self-worth to achievement.

When they start equating their worth with achievement and fear of making mistakes, it conditions them to certain levels of stress and disturbance. Perfectionist children also struggle with anxiety and fear of failure.

“It is actually strongly linked to anxiety and stress. Because they want to avoid anything that would stress the people they are supposed to impress,” he says.

Sometimes this pressure manifests in unexpected ways. A child who struggles academically, for instance, may seek perfection in other areas. Perfectionism can also influence children’s social lives in the sense that perfectionist children gravitate toward peers who share similar attitudes and standards.

“They will form a group of their own with similar characteristics. When they get into a different group, they may not survive there. They either try to rule the group by putting in their values, or they leave because they feel they are not performing well in that group,” he explains.

While the environment plays the biggest role, he acknowledges that some personality traits may make certain children more likely to develop perfectionist tendencies.

“A smaller percentage is predisposed by birth because of some personality traits that children develop. But a larger percentage of it is environment,” he says.

School environments can also amplify perfectionist thinking such that high grades, academic competition and peer pressure reinforce the idea that success defines personal value. He notes that a lot of children in their teenage years do not have role models; therefore, they can seek approval from a person they admire.

Despite its challenges, perfectionism is not always negative, and James explains that there is healthy ambition and harmful perfectionism.

Helping children develop a balanced sense of self-worth beyond achievement is really important. For parents and carers, this is about supporting effort and growth, other than results and normalising mistakes as part of learning.

Above all, he says, children need to feel valued for who they are rather than what they accomplish.

“Appreciate the person and not just what they do. Sometimes parents love what they can gain from the child rather than who the child is,” he says.

When perfectionism becomes harmful, psychological support may be necessary with approaches such as psychoeducation and cognitive behavioural therapy to help children develop healthier coping strategies.

“These are maladaptive behaviours that need to be managed rather than eliminated. Because even in perfectionism, there are many good things,” he notes.

Some of the good traits of perfectionism are persistence, motivation, resilience, and productivity.