Conflict in your union: Eight ways to make the friction work for you

Dear Eve,

My partner and I keep fighting, arguing and disagreeing even over the smallest things and it’s killing our sex life. Please help!

Dear Reader,

I appreciate that you recognise that the way in which you and your partner are engaging on big things and little things is having a direct and negative impact on your sex life. You would not believe how often couples are bewildered by their dwindling sexual satisfaction yet are unable to make a connection between that and the state of their union.

I also appreciate that you are willing to understand in order to change things between you for the better, sexually and non-sexually. To that end, I am going to share with you eight points I hope you will find enlightening and useful as you chart a new way forward in your relationship. They are based on the work of John Gottman and Julie Schwartz Gottman and their research into couple conflict and are called ‘the 8 predictors of divorce or continued couple misery’. Remember; we are trying to help you identify what could be ailing your union, not forming a verdict on your relationship so don’t panic. Remember too that when we know better, we can do better.

1. More negativity than positivity

In stable relationships, the ratio of positive to negative experiences was 5:1. This means that for every 5 positive experiences, there was 1 negative experience. On the other hand, unstable relationships had a positive to negative ratio of 0.8:1 meaning that the negatives outweighed the positives. What is the ratio in your relationship? How can you improve it?

2. Escalation of negative affect

When a couple had an increase of negative interactions with one another, the relationship was miserable. One of the greatest discoveries by the Gottmans in the area of conflict was what they called ‘The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.’ These were four specific behaviours that accurately predicted a couple’s chances of divorce or continued misery: 1. Criticism 2. Contempt 3. Defensiveness & 4. Stone walling.

If these are present in your relationship, begin to work on reducing them greatly or eliminating them all together.

3. Emotional disengagement and withdrawal

When a couple stopped fighting or engaging in any way with one another, the relationship was in trouble. Additionally, once a coupled stopped being kind or extending some positivity to one another, even during conflict, their relationship became less happy and more miserable, sometimes to the point of divorce. Promise yourselves to stay emotionally committed to one another, even when you are at your wits’ end with one another. It will make reconnection easier and more sustainable.

4. The failure of repair attempts

Part of personal and relational maturity is the knowledge that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, and that things can sometimes go wrong and that partners can sometimes be hurtful, intentionally or not; this is par for the course in any relationship. However, how a couple deals with these ‘regrettable events’ is really what contributes to the strength or weakness of a relationship. Relationships in which no attempts to make things right were made, or in which attempts were ignored were more miserable and unhappy for the couple.

5. Negative Sentiment Override (NSO)

To put it simply, this is really the absence of benefit of doubt for one another. If something does not go as planned and you or your partner make a negative assumption or form a negative belief of the intention behind it, it is going to cause problems in the relationship. Strong relationships require that partners extend to one another the benefit of doubt. Go out of your way to both cultivate positive sentiments towards your partner and respect whatever positive sentiment is extended to you.

6. Maintaining vigilance and physiological arousal.

If one or both of you are constantly feeling overwhelmed or triggered by the way your partner raises issues, you are unlikely to allow room for growth, attachment or connection because you won't feel safe enough. Increase the emotional safety of your relationship so that you can enjoy it instead of feeling like you constantly have to be on the look out of what can go wrong between you.

7. Chronic diffuse physiological arousal

This happens when the body's "general alarm response" is activated. This is a situation in which your body reacts to emotional stress as if it was physical danger. It may manifest in physiological responses such as increased heart rate and blood pressure. The result is that your literal brain becomes so overwhelmed that it struggles to empathize, process information or even creatively solve problems. Anyone constantly feeling this way will resist emotional vulnerability if only to keep themselves safe connect with the other because they will begin to perceive the relationship as one in which you must always be in ‘fight or flight’ mode.

8. The failure of men to accept influence from women

This manifested in two ways. 1. When the male became emotionally disengaged, both partners eventually became mutually disengaged. 2. When the male partner escalated his belligerence, contempt or defensiveness in response to their female partner's complaints, it communicated that he was simply not interested in accepting anything his female partner was contributing, which killed off her own need to connect to him. In a nutshell, a relationship in which partners resist the influence of their partner is a relationship that is dead or dying. I should note that this is not a ‘feminist’ conclusion but rather a research-based conclusion.

I hope that these eight points have provided insight into what could be ailing your relationship. You will notice that I have barely mentioned the word “sex”; this is because sexual problems are best and first addressed with clothes on. Strengthen your relationship from the inside out, and you won’t have to worry about the death of your sex life. Here’s to a stronger, sexier, more unified union!

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu