Dear Coleen: I'm afraid to tell my girlfriend about my violent ex

Dear Coleen

I’m a 32-year-old man and I’ve been seeing my girlfriend for six months. Everything is going well and we’re talking about moving in together, but I haven’t told her the whole truth about my ex and it’s playing on my mind.

I split up with my ex about a year ago because she was aggressive and pretty violent on occasions, to the point where I required stitches on my head once.

When my ex started getting physical our relationship was over pretty fast and I walked out. She was always a volatile character, but I never expected it to spill over the way it did, and she had lots of other good qualities. I’ve heard she’s seeing a counsellor, which I’m happy about.

The reason I haven’t told my partner is because she admitted to suffering domestic abuse in the past and I don’t want her to think I’m jumping on the bandwagon with my story or to somehow diminish what happened to her.

Plus she’s told me she’s looking for a relationship with no complications. Should I tell her?

Coleen says

Yes, I think you should. You don’t have to go into detail if you don’t want to, but if you’re serious about this woman, then you shouldn’t have secrets. I doubt very much she’d think you were ‘jumping onthe bandwagon’. As a victim of domestic violence herself, I’m sure she’d empathise.

This is a fresh start for both of you and the past won’t affect things if you don’t let it. In my opinion, it’s always healthier to confront issues and then move on, than carry them around with you so they become bigger and harder to deal with.

It sounds like you’re both in a good place. Have the chat when it feels natural to do so, then focus on enjoying your new relationship.