I am a married mum of four but want to be with my lesbian lover

I've started a relationship with my lesbian friend but I don't know how to explain it my husband

Dear Coleen

I’m a married mum of four grown-up children but I have recently started a relationship with my lesbian friend.

I’ve decided that I don’t want to stay married to my husband as I want to be with my girlfriend.

But I don’t know what to do or how I would explain it to people, least of all my husband.

Coleen says

I have a friend who was in this situation after being married for 20 years.

It wasn’t easy for her when she left her husband and had to tell people but I admired her bravery and, looking back, everyone can see now that it was the best decision she could have made.

Her ex is now in a relationship with a lovely woman so his life is better too. It just took a while to get there and that will probably be the case for you. I don’t know if you’ve always questioned

your sexuality and hoped that getting married and having kids (i.e. doing what was expected of you) would make those feelings go away.

Or whether you were never drawn to women until you met and fell in love with this person, who happens to be female.

Either way, you seem sure of what you want to do and that’s half the battle. I understand that you’re worried about how your husband and kids will react, but even if you’d been having an affair with a man, it would still be devastating for them.

On top of that, you have to deal with their shock that you’re leaving your husband for another woman. But what’s the alternative – to stay with him and live a lie?

I think you need to break it to your husband and kids in the way you feel is best. And if that means doing it in stages, then I don’t see what’s wrong with that.

I don’t think that’s being cowardly, I think it’s being mindful that you’re breaking your husband’s heart and you need to tread carefully.

But do it soon – cheating is cheating, no matter who you’re sleeping with and the longer it goes on, the more chance there is of your husband getting suspicious or finding out from someone else.