Benefits of conversational parenting for raising confident children

Conversational parenting can begin as soon as children learn to speak, and it supports their speech development. This approach works best at this time because children are trained at an early age to come to parents with everything, both good and bad.

Psychologist Faith Nyoike describes conversational parenting as a style that involves dialogue between parent and child from early childhood and fosters emotional expression and communication.

She presents it as a version of gentle parenting. Unlike traditional parenting, which is defined by a power imbalance between parent and child, in this one, conversation sets the stage for mutual respect and dialogue.

It avoids utterances such as "Because I said so!” or "Listen to me, I am your mother!”

Nyoike says parents, teachers and caregivers have to model emotional regulation, even if it means coming down to a child’s level. She encourages adults to adjust their emotional responses to match a child’s capacity for calm conversations.

It prioritises process and intention, she says, where feelings and thoughts are explored. Children are allowed to be; for instance, they can cry while being asked what has upset them. Instead of being told to stop crying, they are guided through their emotions.

“It is not about making them behave but understanding why they behave a certain way so that you can understand them. That’s why corporal punishment isn’t an option; sometimes a child just needs a hug,” Nyoike says.

In her practice, she observes more parents embracing conversational parenting, linking this to increased awareness of mental health and the increasing number of psychologists in homes and schools.

Keep Reading

There is a growing understanding, especially since it was once thought to be non-African. With this awareness and awakening, people are paying attention to their childhood traumas and the need to raise children well.

“Nowadays, people want to be safe spaces for their children, and with open dialogue, parents get to know them on a deeper level,” she notes.

She further points out that the parents engaging with this method are mostly millennials raised within authoritarian systems.

Nyoike explains that they are turning to therapy, working through their trauma and building support systems where they can express themselves, instead of using their children as emotional outlets.

Moreover, conversational parenting changes how children relate to their parents. They are able to come forward freely, whether with problems or daily experiences. Conversations around challenges are much easier, and where solutions are not possible, there is communication about that.

It also transforms parent-child relationships by shunning mandatory obedience and fear. Children will reason and be outspoken and not bow down to oppression. They see parents as human beings who make mistakes, and the relationship becomes more reciprocal.

“Emotions are unpacked in a safe environment. The goal is not well-behaved children but people who become well-regulated adults,” she emphasises.

Children raised in this way turn out to be confident and emotionally regulated. They can express themselves, ask questions and disagree without being offensive, though this can sometimes be misunderstood as defiance when adults feel that they cannot learn from children.

Conversational parenting also builds empathy; since it is consistently modelled, children learn to recognise and respond to the emotions of others.

“They become emotionally attuned, able to comfort others, and build meaningful relationships because they remember how they are made to feel,” she says.

A parent, she adds, becomes either a safe person or not, and that influences how children develop into adults. They grow up to be adults who make good decisions and are responsible.

It also influences how children handle conflict. Nyoike says physical punishment teaches children to respond to discomfort with violent behaviours, as they tend to model what they see.

However, discipline and boundaries stand at a delicate line in conversational parenting since parents can be too lenient or overstep and turn children into emotional outlets, which she says is problematic.

The model of parenting can be difficult to sustain in high-stress or busy households, as it needs emotional attunement and being present.

"This model is also not practised by some parents because they view it as Western or non-biblical, or assume it produces soft children. Authority can still be asserted without physical punishment,” Nyoike observes.

In the long term, she adds, conversational parenting raises adults who are disciplined, kind, rational, and empathetic. It also opens up other ways of raising children, including alternatives such as homeschooling.