Living on her own terms: Price women pay for ambition

Jane* was a young professional in Nairobi in the mid-90s when she made the difficult ‘decision’ to leave employment and take care of her young family. She had little choice in the matter since the prevailing expectation then was that a woman’s identity was bound up with her domestic responsibilities. Her personal ambitions mattered little to her mate and the society.

Her experience resonates with women of her generation whose secular careers were considered secondary to both motherhood and domestic duties. Any ambitions the women had were seen as distractions from their “true calling” of raising children. They would even face stigma if they chose the secular career route in a society where men provided security.

Jane is part of a generational and cultural bridge where women are redefining what it means to be a woman who prioritises career and self-fulfilment. New opportunities have emerged that are challenging the long-held cultural norms.

Women are becoming more educated and with more professional training, are occupying corner offices in leadership roles and shaping global economies. Doors that once slammed shut are opening widely, making them pursue careers that were once out of reach.

Are women, though, paying a high price for their ambitions? By stepping out of societal norms, are they setting themselves up for regrets later on in life?

Not according to Dr Cheryl Robinson, a New York-based contributor for Forbes, who says years of neglecting women’s secular advancement have made them play catch-up. Unfortunately, Robinson says the pursuit of such secular careers has at times meant postponing certain roles early on in their development journey.

“It’s time we admit that the pursuit of success often comes with a high and unfair price,” writes Robinson. “Women and minority professionals invest more in education, training and coaching to overcome systemic biases, which means they bear a higher financial cost to compete in the same arenas as their colleagues.”

According to Robinson, scales of social justice are still tilted against women who fork out more in terms of time and money to achieve the same, or even lower remuneration than men within the same career bracket.

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“Women receive lower compensation for equivalent roles, which means the return on their investments is often delayed and may never fully align with the magnitude of effort and resources they have expended,” she says.

On the flipside, though, some women who prioritised careers first feel they missed out on the youthful energy that comes with raising children earlier in life. Some felt they could not devote enough time to the young families while still growing their careers and now, in their 40s, are being forced to “enjoy” what they missed out on over 20 years ago.

“I think you cannot have your cake and eat it,” says Annie*, a single mother of two who runs a clothing store in Nairobi. “I was not saying no to raising a family, but was looking for financial stability first. Ata kama ningeenda kutafuta mwanamume, bado wangesema nataka pesa zake. Nikasema wacha nitafute pesa zangu kwanza (Had I searched for a man back then, people would still have said I wanted him for the money. So, I decided to work for my own money first).”

The rise of the modern woman in her career has gone hand in hand with pessimistic views of relationships and marriage. This, according to Nancy Atieno, a newly married woman in her late 30s, has also been fuelled by the growth of gender empowerment groups whose core messaging challenges the traditional view of marriage.

“The modern woman feels empowered,” says Atieno. “Settling down with a man just to have marital status may not move some women. They can get a child with a man, but don’t want to be tied down with marriage, waking and sleeping under a strict regime. She will not kill her secular dreams just to settle down in marriage.”

“But you got married recently,” I asked her.

“Yes, I did and many also do,” she says. “But you get together with your friends and you say marriage works and they all laugh. Marriage is hard work, like any other important endeavour in life. Many are not willing to put in the work.”

Cherly Mwangi, a local psychologist, says women should not be blamed or made to explain their motives for putting themselves first, a trend she says they learned from men. She says when a woman decides to postpone marriage or have children, she is doing it for herself, not to impress any person or fulfil cultural dictates.

“Such a woman is de-centring and moving away from the notion that getting married or having children is the ultimate ticket to happiness. She is living on her own terms and deciding when she wants to either get married or have children,” she says.

In any case, Mwangi says, some women are getting married and still ending up being ‘single’ within the marriage due to a lack of emotional or physical support. Single women who witness such behaviours within marriage are willing to pay the price that comes with a longer stint in the singleness club.

“You look at our culture and it is always the woman who has to bow down to support the man who may not always return the favour. It is the woman who has to quit her job and look after the children so that her husband can go work in Isiolo or Marsabit. Then the same man ends up with a side chick or another family in his new work station.

Mwangi says the country’s legal ecosystem, which is increasingly ruling against women, is becoming another minefield that is making some women hit the commitment brakes hard. Many married women, due to a lack of knowledge or challenges in registering properties in their names or jointly with their husbands, have walked away empty-handed after divorce.

Human Rights Watch documented a Kilifi woman who, after a 10-year marriage, was left without any claim to property despite contributing financially. “When you work on something for 10 years and lose it all in a blink, it’s devastating,” she said.

Observing cases like this, Mwangi notes that financially stable women now choose to invest in themselves or with other women, pursuing careers on their own terms. While ambition can be costly, many feel the price of conformity and unfulfilled potential is far greater.

While the question of whether women are paying a high price for ambition does not yield a simple answer, women are no longer confined to a singular definition of success but are increasingly choosing paths that reflect their own values away from societal norms. Ambition may be costly but they feel the cost of conformity and unfulfilled potential is far greater.