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My fiance is now HIV positive. I don't know what to do. Should I still marry her?

 Photo: Courtesy

I have been dating this lady for about a year and we had purposed to remain celibate until we get married since we are both virgins. A few months ago, we were attacked by a gang of thugs who beat us up and raped her in my presence. She is now HIV positive and now we have been advised to only have protected sex for obvious reasons. I want a family but it now seems almost impossible to start one with her. This realization has taken a toll on her since the mistake was not hers. I love her but I also want to be happy in my life. Please I desperately need your advice... {Vincent}

Your Take:

Vincent I also agree with you and wish to add that no one is to blame for this. She needs to accept what has happened and continue with life and in so doing, let you go. Remember you have only one life and you don’t want to spend it with someone who puts you at risk. She can get some counselling to help her along but remember life has to go on.


We have discordant couples living happily and even raising families. Seek further advice from a counsellor also about the other techniques of bearing children. There are many ways but also remembering to reduce chances for mother-to-child transmission. Stay with her because it was not her desire to be HIV+.

{Andrew Chaplin}

Vincent, I know it is hard to end this relationship but you know the consequences of having sex with a person living with HIV. There is no way you will have a family with her without having unprotected sex so you either choose between saving your life, and living a happy life or having a family with her and living a miserable life.

{Ojou Robert – Koyonzo}

Despite all the frustrations, life must go on. Support her in every way you can, show her that you love and care for her and that you appreciate and treasure her just as she is.

{Calvin Queens}

A real friend does not walk away when the other is in trouble so it would be good to stand by her. Anybody can be a victim of this, so do not blame her. However, remember that there are discordant couples out there and they live happily and bear children just like any other couple. Being positive is not the end of life brother. Give her a chance to live her dream of becoming your wife.

{Ouma Ragumo, Sifuyo}

Counselor’s Take:

Vincent, two wrongs don’t make a right. What happened to her was unfortunate and you should be there for her. However, putting yourself at risk just to please her is not a show of solidarity and she ought to understand this better than anybody else. Presently, the most important thing is for you to remain negative.

Being HIV positive implies that you should not, at any one time in your life, engage in unprotected sex with her. While this may be OK for short term relationships, it can be rather strenuous in a marriage situation.

 Many couples have actually found themselves in situations where one is positive and the other is negative even after prolonged periods of unprotected intercourse. Even in such instances, they are advised to have protected sex from then henceforth to safeguard the other partner as well as to reduce chances of re-infection.

This situation will have a heavy bearing on your future being that you already expressed a genuine wish to have a family. To remain safe, this would only happen if you both agreed to adopt children and have unprotected sex your entire life. I doubt that this is a sustainable way to maintain the relationship since you will always feel short-changed.

Bad things happen and more so, they happen to good people. However, it would not be right to compromise your entire future because of one sad thing that happened. The situation usually works better when both parties are positive thus the logic of having unprotected sex always is quite clear to both parties.

Sometimes people have to move on and hope that everyone will one day find what they are looking for. One way or the other, everyone will find what they are looking for or at least something similar to what they were looking for.

 This, therefore, calls for you to weigh the facts of the matter as they are and make a decision. Remember, while we should always consider the well-being of the other person first, your primary responsibility is to yourself then you may consider others. {Taurus}

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