He dumped his wife but is refusing to marry me, does he really love me?

Dear Coleen

I’ve been with my boyfriend for just over three years. We worked together and he pursued me.

I had given up on men completely and I told him so back them.

He’d split up with his wife several times and was with someone else, but went back to the wife because he missed his children.

Before we got together we were talking hypothetically and I made it clear I wouldn’t go out with a married man (him) and that person (him) would have to split up with whoever he was with, tie up the loose ends and then think about asking me out.

He did all of this. I said I wanted it all – marriage and even maybe one more child. When we got together he was telling everyone he wanted to marry me. Three years later, I’m still waiting.

I’ve been patient while his kids got used to their dad not being at home. I stayed away from family parties because their mother wouldn’t allow me to see the children and I’ve done loads of treading on eggshells. Now I have the kids to stay over and they like me.

Everything is going fine, apart from the fact my boyfriend still hasn’t got a divorce, he still has his wife on his bank account and now talks about “if and when I get married”.

It’s causing massive rows between us and then he uses those rows as a reason not to get married, even thought we’re only arguing because he’s bowed out.

He now says if he does tie the knot it’ll be in six or 10 years. I’m so angry and feel like I want to dump him, but we get on so well otherwise. I would miss the laughs we have and I do love him.

Coleen says

He has a long history of going back to his wife and I think he uses that to get what he wants and keep the status quo.

He must know you worry about that and therefore won’t want to rock the boat too much. Personally, I couldn’t live with that hanging over my head.

If he refuses to engage in a discussion about divorcing his ex, then I think you should tell him to go off and tie up those loose ends and then you’ll see where things stand.

I know that’s a lot easier said than done when everything else is going well but you need to show him that you’d rather lose him than put up with a relationship where he dangles the threat of his ex and shows no commitment to you.

Right now you’re doing everything his way but you’ve been with him three years and you’re living together. So, you have every right to put your foot down over his wife sharing his bank account and the lack of divorce proceedings.

It’s as if he’s thinking that if things don’t work out with you, it will be easier to go back to his wife.

If he wants to have a future with you, his ex can’t continue to play such a big part in his life – finances and arrangements for the kids need to be sorted out legally, so everyone knows where they stand.

And, um, remind him that in six years you might not want to marry him.