A day in the life of my little baby

Beryl, my upstairs neighbour there likes talking about her little tot – the baby, not the vodka shot.

And because I know there are many young men, not to mention a slay queen or two who imagine babies are very boring little things, I decided that today I will write about ‘A day in a baby’s life’ for them.

Especially as my little Leo Drago turns eight months today, and I ‘diarised’ him last Saturday.

Baby Leo’s day begins just before 7am with a little bed roll, and yanking at the curtains to see if a little sunrise can be coaxed into the room.

Then it is time for his morning tour that consists of him being carried into his daddy’s study to spin the gigantic globe on my desk corner as I shout out names of the various countries his palms are touching – Algeria, India, Taiwan, Pacific, Hawaii, Mexico, Iceland, Russia, et cetera.

Somewhere in my mind, I have this misplaced idea that if he gets the ‘world map’ into his young head, then maybe he will be super interested in world history and one day become one of those folks who are sent to observe elections in funny countries (like Honduras); instead of observing their babies on Saturdays so as to write weird columns on the back pages of women’s magazines, LOL.

Then we go to the living room where I put on some rock music and dance to it with Drago – because I’ll be damned if he’s one of those boys tuned into ‘Trap’ or whatever crap rap will be fashionable in 2030.

With both his geography and music lessons done and dusted for the day, it is time for Lil Leo to eat his porridge, which he detests! (Funny because his late grand-dad was fond of porridge, so much so, that he used to sluuuurrrppp at it with relish, even as we screwed our faces like ‘eew!’)

But baby’s favourite food is ‘Breast, Sweet Orange.’

What is that you ask? ‘Maziwa ya nyonyo,’ followed by blended sweet oranges.

In other words, ‘Breast Sweet Orange’ is the exact opposite of ‘Krest Bitter Lemon.’

Once baby is done with this, he is taken out to the balcony for a bit of sunshine and ‘Vitamin D.’

(By the by, it is not true that Vodka gives one ‘Vitamin’ V as they’ve long claimed on the label).

Then he is put on the baby swing, till bored, then shifted to his play mat on the floor.

 All that glitters

There’s a mystery in the household.

Lately, little Leo has had glitter on his face – yet his mother does not wear glitter, and his nanny has no idea what ‘glitter’ is. In fact, when I questioned her, she said: ‘Ati Leo ana guitar?’

Maybe my boy has been getting secretly close to the baby girl next door, and I don’t know.

Then on Saturday, I hear a yell, and find the glittering ‘golden’ reindeer next to the TV has fallen on his forehead; or rather, the poor little lad yanked too hard and it fell on him.

So that is the source of the glitter – and now the source of his sorrow, as well as a bloody scratch (his first) on his forehead! My little Santa has been intimate with the reindeer, but no more. Nor is it the end of first time worldly pain for him this Saturday.

Other than Breast Sweet Orange (soda), he has recently been introduced to blended banana (yum yum), apple, butternut, baby cereals, blended liver, sweet potato and water melon – everything except Krest Bitter Lemon.

So, after lunch, as he watches baby cartoons, he begins to show signs of constipation.

The answer is one gram of infant glycerol suppository shoved up his little butt, which makes dearie Drago cry, but unplugs his system – and he’s soon happily playing with the baby wipes.

Little Leo’s evening bath takes place in a basin with tiny baby ducks (that squeak like mice when squeezed instead of quacking, and you know the old saying – ‘if it squeaks like a mouse, but floats like a duck, then it is a ______ !’)

He splashes water with open palms and smiles, screeches to protest on being put into his night clothes, feeds, then sleeps like a baby – (a misused expression, because babies wake up twice or thrice a night).

As for the answer to our duck + mouse riddle, it is a ‘douse’ - to throw water over, say, a bath basin.