I haven’t been in a relationship for seven years because it is really painful when I have sex

I’m a 34-year-old woman and for the past seven years I have avoided getting into a relationship because I have a health condition that means it is really painful to have sex. On a bad day, I can’t even face the thought of being intimate with someone as I’m in so much pain. It’s really affecting my life.

When I was younger it was easy to meet guys, but I’d always find a reason to end it before it became a proper relationship, as I couldn’t face telling them about my condition. I also worry that it wouldn’t be fair on a partner.

I dread going to family events as I know I’ll be quizzed about whether I’ve met anyone yet, and I hate it when friends try to fix me up with someone.

I’m now at an age where I thought I would be settled down, possibly married with kids, and I’m aware I’m running out of time to do all this.

I was in a long-term relationship for a few years in my twenties, but when this condition started it made the relationship really stressful. I also realised that he wasn’t the person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I feel jealous when I see people who are settled and it makes me feel abnormal.

I also have other health conditions that make me feel unwell and lack energy, but I’m under the care of my doctor. Before all this started I had a normal sex drive, but I feel that my sex life has been taken away from me and it’s not fair. I’m in a real mess.

Coleen says

You don’t disclose what your condition is but, whatever it is, if your good friends know you have health issues, then I’m sure they’d be more understanding when it came to your fears over meeting people and would stop trying to ask insensitive questions.

But if you’re constantly making up excuses not to go out in order to cover up the real issue, then the chances are they will keep asking you out and will probably keep trying to set you up.

At the moment, they have no understanding of your situation and how it affects you physically and emotionally. It might also be good for you to talk about things with your closest friends instead of bottling it all up.

When it comes to intimacy with a partner, again, you have to be honest – if it’s the right guy, he’ll be patient and understanding. At the moment, what’s happening is that you panic and push them away.

You’re not letting yourself get to the stage where sex is a possibility – you’re avoiding it and you’re avoiding the conversations about it.

It’s good you’re getting ongoing support from your doctor and you should bring up your concerns over sex at your next appointment.