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2017-01-12 14:26:09 The Standard : Eve Woman 40 58
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I have to leave the country but I don't trust my wife

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I got a two-year scholarship to study for a Master’s degree in Norway. The scholarship does not cater for family and despite my appeal to be considered as such it is still not possible. I don’t know what to do because my wife is not very strong as a woman. I caught her cheating once and a few months ago she got into a fight with a neighbor after she was accused of having an affair with the woman’s husband. I protected her then but I think there may have been some truth in it. I feel that if I take the scholarship, this will be the end of my family. This is a chance of a lifetime but I feel that I may have to choose between my family and studies. Please advise me. {Martin}

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Your Take:

If she can cheat when you are there, then you don’t have to ask. I will not be quick to judge her because nobody is perfect. Go for your studies and, at least, you will have had a chance at a better life in future. Release her and let her cheat if she wants to until you come back then you can carry on with the relationship.

{Rodgers Mutegi Mwiti}

Martin, as much as you love your family, there are things you should carefully think about. These include the wellbeing of your family and probability of having a better life. Remember they cannot be happy without good food, clothing and shelter. Love is not everything; you can always start afresh if she proves difficult to handle. You can get a better wife later in life.

{Kakremba Achiel Kende}

Studies are good but family also matters. They form the foundation to our lives so they should not be taken lightly. Talk to her and find out why she does the things she does. If she does not change, involve the elders from both sides to resolve the issues.

Breaking up an already existing family is never easy and starting a new one is even more difficult. Encourage her to be faithful also to reduce the risks of deadly infections such as HIV. Lastly, pray and leave everything to God.

{Lenny Jeniffer}

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Go ahead and study brother. A wife can be replaced if she does not act like one, but your future will always remain to be your future. Do not let anyone come between you and your future. If she can decide to be a faithful wife, she will wait for you no matter how many years you go.

{Irungu}

Martin, God has a purpose for everything. If she was meant to be your wife, she will always remain your wife no matter how many years you go away. If you go and don’t find her when you come back, then know that she wasn’t meant to be yours in the first place. Everything will be OK but remember God always has better plans for you.

{Emma Akoth Opiyo}

Being a woman, I do not advocate for such behavior from your wife. Cheating is bad for a woman and if she continues like this, she will always bring problems for you. Even taking her to Norway may not help much as she is likely to cheat just as much as she would if she was left back in Kenya. Pursue your studies my brother and better things will come in future.

{Lucie Mohadê}

Counselor’s Take:

Martin, you are harboring dangerous thoughts and basing critical decisions in your life on existing fears. This is a dangerous situation to be in because there will always be an element of fear in everything we do no matter how safe it may seem. Fears are constant but the thing about them is that 99 per cent of them never come to pass.

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Basing critical decisions such as your master’s program on fears that your partner may cheat is indeed anchoring a constant on a variable. Yes she may have given you enough reason to worry but worrying does not reduce the likelihood that she will cheat. If she is focused on cheating, she can do it as you sit in the comfort of your couch at home. Your presence or absence does not in any way deter her from cheating. It only limits how and where the cheating can happen.

A Masters programme scholarship is an opportunity that comes once in a lifetime. Do not put this at stake based on the shortcomings of your wife. The feelings of doubt, insecurity and uncertainty are present in every person who is in a relationship.

Everyone has these fears at one point or the other, and in many instances, one has to let go and give the other person the benefit of doubt. Giving someone else the benefit of doubt increases your exposure to disappointment, but it also provides a platform where they can or may prove themselves.

There is, however, one other consideration that may help you in this situation - appreciating that people will always do what they want regardless of the situation. They always look for ways to go around the rules, more sophisticated ways to cheat such that they can do it right under your nose and you would never suspect a thing.

If she is misbehaving while you are around, then you remain focused on the things that matter most. Go for your studies my friend since she will always do what she wants to do. If she does it while you get a Master’s degree, then that will be a win for you but if you turn down the offer and she ends up cheating, then you may lose her and will have lost a valuable opportunity in your life. {Taurus}

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  • I have to leave the country but I don't trust my wife