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Hi Chris,
I seem to have a lot of negative thoughts about my boyfriend. My friends say that’s normal and I shouldn’t worry! But are they right?
Negative Thoughts
Hi Negative Thoughts!
From time to time, everyone gets so angry that they think unkind thoughts about their partner. But you should worry if your thoughts are motivated by fear rather than anger. Because that suggests something bad’s happening.
Like, do you ever think that you must get home, right now, or your boyfriend ‘will get mad at you?’ It’s OK to worry if he’s cooking a special dinner for you and you’re running late. But it shouldn’t be a regular thought.
Or what about: ‘My bf won’t let me…?’ That suggests something controlling’s going on. You should feel able to do whatever you want, like seeing family or friends. It’s one thing to discuss your plans. It’s quite another to have to ask permission.
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If it crosses your mind that you’re ‘going to be in trouble for that,’ then there’s probably some sort of power imbalance problem. You should feel that small mistakes will always be forgiven. If you don’t, you’re being abused.
Do you ever think ‘he didn’t mean it?’ That might be true, but if you’re always thinking about how your bf ‘really does love you’ even though he hurts or belittles you, then you’re being abused. Abusers can be people we love. That doesn’t make it OK.
‘Have you ever thought that your partner is the only one who loves you?’ Then he’s probably isolating you from your family or friends.
If you regularly think, ‘I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore,’ then you probably mean it.
Or maybe you think ‘things could be worse.’ You should be in a relationship because it makes you feel happy and fulfilled. Not one where you can imagine an even more awful situation.
So if you’re having thoughts like these, it’s time to take a hard look at your relationship. Talk to a counsellor. Because fearful relationships can suddenly get far worse.
All the best,
Chris
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