Breaking free from the cycle of toxic attraction

Breaking free from the cycle of toxic attraction (Photo: iStock)

Love is often envisioned as a sanctuary, offering nurturing, support and uplift. For some women, however, it becomes a cycle of abuse, heartbreak, manipulation and emotional exhaustion. If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to partners who cause more harm than good, know that you're not alone and it's not your fault.

"The pull towards toxic love often stems from deep psychological, emotional, and societal roots," says Dr Catherine Muthiani, a relationship counsellor and psychologist.

According to Dr Muthiani, a relationship counsellor and psychologist, this pull towards toxic love often stems from deep psychological, emotional and societal roots.

Unhealthy relationships are alarmingly common, with many women finding themselves in situations where their partners are not accountable for their behaviour.

“There's disrespect, manipulation, constant criticism, and even gaslighting, where someone's reality is distorted,” she explains.

Gaslighting, she notes, is particularly insidious. "They try to justify their behaviour, like shouting at you and say they do that because of what you have done or not done. The victim is meant to feel like it's their fault why the other person is behaving the way they are."

Other toxic behaviours include the silent treatment, which Dr Muthiani describes as "passive-aggressive punishment," and possessiveness, which often masquerades as love but is, in reality, control.

Psychological and emotional roots

Dr Muthiani identifies several psychological factors that can cause people to stay in toxic relationships.

Low self-worth: “When one's self-value is so diminished, they believe they are not deserving of any better kind of love,” she says. “They accept whatever the other person gives them and think that they are being done a favour by that person being with them.”

The saviour complex: Some individuals, especially those with strong empathy, feel compelled to solve their partner's problems. “This can be very unhealthy,” warns Dr Muthiani. “The more they enable the toxic partner, the more the partner rejects the help, and the person blames themselves for not doing enough.”

Familiarity with chaos: Individuals raised in chaotic environments may unconsciously seek out similar dynamics in adulthood. “They seek partners who can replicate those past experiences because they learned how to adapt,” explains Dr Muthiani.

Attachment styles: Anxious attachment leads to craving closeness despite inconsistency, while avoidant attachment leads to choosing emotionally unavailable partners. A combination of these is the fearful avoidant, who desires connection but fears closeness.

Societal Pressures and Trauma Bonding

Dr Muthiani also highlights the societal factors that perpetuate toxic relationships. "Our religious beliefs shape societal norms," she notes, quoting the biblical phrase, "for better or for worse." This mindset can lead individuals to believe that they must endure abuse for the sake of their partner or children.

Trauma bonding also plays a significant role. "When there is chaos, victims seem to cling to the times when they have experienced love," she explains.

These bonds are reinforced through a cycle whereby moments of affection or reconciliation following mistreatment trigger the release of dopamine, the brain's 'feel-good' chemical. Consequently, the victim may crave these moments and become emotionally dependent on the abuser, despite the overall harm caused.

Breaking free: Steps toward healing

The first step is to recognise the pattern in your relationships. Take time to reflect on any recurring red flags, such as manipulation or disrespect. This awareness is incredibly powerful, and journaling or confiding in a trusted friend can be invaluable in helping you spot these patterns.

Next, focus on rebuilding your self-worth. Remember that you are enough, whether you have a partner or not. Therapy, particularly cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), can help you to challenge negative beliefs about yourself. Alongside this, practice consistent self-care by engaging in hobbies, exercising, or using affirmations to reconnect with your inherent value.

Crucially, set non-negotiable boundaries. Decide what behaviours you will not tolerate, such as yelling or gaslighting, and commit to upholding these boundaries through action, not just words. If a partner repeatedly crosses these lines, be prepared to end the relationship.

Seek out support by surrounding yourself with people who genuinely uplift you. Friends, family and support groups can provide valuable perspective and strength during difficult periods. Online communities, particularly those centred on women's experiences, can provide a secure environment in which to share and heal.

It's also important to redefine what love means to you. True love should make you feel safe and respected, not chaotic or overwhelmed by drama. Challenge the idea that intensity or drama equals passion. Instead, visualise a relationship in which you feel genuinely valued, and let this become your new standard.

For deeper healing, seek professional help. A qualified therapist can guide you through past traumas and help you develop healthier relationship habits. If traditional therapy isn't accessible, explore free resources such as crisis helplines or online mental health platforms.

Finally, remember to take things one step at a time. Leaving a toxic relationship can be daunting, so start small. This could involve blocking their number, confiding in a close friend or carefully planning your exit strategy for safety. Every step you take, no matter how small, brings you closer to freedom and well-being.