I lost my husband, will my grief ever end?

Hi Chris,

I was happily married for five years to my childhood sweetheart. Everything was wonderful, and we had just started to talk about starting a family.

And then, just recently, my husband fell ill. And in a short time, he was gone. I really loved him, and so I think you can imagine just how much of a mess I am. I feel sad, numb, shocked and afraid.

My head is full of intrusive thoughts - all sorts of guilt, anger and what-ifs. I am overwhelmed at the thought of coping on my own. Will my grief ever end? Please help me understand how to get through all this.

Overwhelmed

Chris says,

Hi Overwhelmed!

I am sorry to hear about your loss. And all those difficult feelings; pain, tears, sleepless nights, trouble eating, problems concentrating and difficulty making decisions. Those feelings are horrible, but they are normal.

There is no right or wrong way to mourn, but accepting your grief will help them reduce sooner. Your loss is forever, of course, but the worst of your grief will probably have gone in six months to a year. The pain will reduce, and you will find peace.

Keeping busy helps, and for a while, your family and friends will be around. But eventually, you will have to face the future alone. So take good care of yourself. Eat well, exercise, rest, avoid drinking too much or smoking.

Put off making big decisions, and do not rush to go through your husband’s personal things. Put aside a few special items as personal reminders, and overtime, part with the rest.

Accept the support of others, and do not turn inward and grieve alone. Making a new social life will feel tough, and now that you are no longer part of a couple, your married friends may drift away.

So take everything slowly as you adjust. But gradually, you will want to socialise again. With married friends, think about informal outings like shopping rather than couple events.

When you feel ready, plan to do some things that will provide some excitement in your life again. Plan ahead for special places, smells, sounds, music and anniversaries that may make you particularly sad.

You might decide to avoid some, such as your usual shopping mall. But anniversaries are a good opportunity to honour your husband’s memory, perhaps by bringing out a few favourite photographs.

Many bereaved spouses continue to wear their wedding rings forever, perhaps moving it eventually to another finger. Others wear it until they start to think about the possibility of a new relationship.

Everyone’s different and there are no rules. But whatever you do, you will never forget your husband.

All the best,

Chris