Dangerous assumptions: Dating or just friends?

Vickie Njau, 27, is nursing a heartbreak. A few months ago, she had a taste of losing a close friend who completely misconstrued their relationship. She recalls meeting this man in college and they were in a very cordial relationship.

For over two years, she claims that he had been like a brother to her. They'd do coffees, take long walks and talked about almost everything.

"There were no secrets between us," she recalls and notes that it was only logical then to tell him when a man in their neighbourhood approached her to be his girlfriend.

Unfortunately, the "platonic friend" received the news with jealous and fury; he walked out on her leaving her mystified at their usual coffee shop. He later sent her a vague text message, "you can't do this to me" before blocking her from all social media outlets.

"I thought he would be happy for me and perhaps even request to meet my boyfriend," she puzzles.

Vickie believes that platonic relationships are feasible but with clear understanding so that no party gets disappointed. While she misses her former friend dearly, she says she would be careful while getting into such a relationship again to avoid hurting anyone or being hurt.

Vickie who has since moved on, suspects that the rising cases of suicides or murders supposedly by "jilted lovers" may be as a result of misinformation and the aggrieved party acting out of assumption.

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"If we are just good to each other, it's unfortunate if you misconstrue that to mean love, neither am I to blame for your misunderstanding!" she says.

Her boyfriend would later disclose to her that it had cost him a lot of courage to approach her because he had figured that she was already dating.

Vickie further advises unmarried women to be careful with platonic relationships because they can mislead potential suitors who may shy from approaching a girl thinking she's already taken.

"He isn't my boyfriend but I love his hugs, his smile, his advice, his kindness and the times that we laugh together; I guess I fell in love with our friendship."

This is a common love and friendship quote which has been disputed by many and disqualified as misleading. Relationship experts discern that platonic relationships can get complicated when physical attraction starts stealing in.

Jennifer Karina, a relationship therapist agrees with Vickie and says that unmarried persons in a platonic relationship should have a structure that governs their friendship to avoid misleading other people. The two should define their friendship to allow accommodation for other friends.

Unfortunately, Karina cautions, the nearest is the dearest and it's easy for the two to get dangerously comfortable emotional attachment. This, she observes, can lead to unnecessary jealousies or an ugly eventuality especially should one party starts dating someone else for real.

"The two parties should have clear signals of the direction which the relationship is taking," she advises. She however asserts that platonic relationships get perilous when the two partners start believing they are the best confidants for each hence anyone else becomes an intruder.

"If one senses the other is getting close to someone else, resentment comes in against the 'intruder', " she notes.

Siriah Befekadu a Congolese married to an Ethiopian believes that platonic relationships are doable and if nurtured well they can last long after the two friends have been married to different partners. She exemplifies her relationship with her childhood playmate who is still her confidant and special friend eight years after she got married.

"He played a major role in my wedding and I also participated in his wedding one year after mine," she asserts. She says that they were in the same Kenyan University and have remained such close friends that even their spouses respect that friendship.

She acknowledges that their spouses know each other and they share a very warm relationship. "I can walk to his house and tell his wife, that I want to steal her husband for a drink," she says. Siriah says their friendship is too deep that they even "gossip" about their spouses.

"In fact, if I have a fight with my husband, I would rather speak to him than to my pastor!" she confides. Siriah however notes that humanly she would be very jealousy if her friend started confiding in another woman. "If not his wife, no one else should be close to him!" she protectively sums up.

Dr Reverend Julius Kithinji, a lecturer at St Paul's University and a Reverend with the Methodist Church advises men and women to make platonic relationships godly. He observes that Jesus himself was a friend to many women yet there was no romance involved. But he cautions that like all relationships, platonic relationships should have their own unique boundaries.

To the married people the Reverend warns that any casual behaviour should be rationalised as a way of respecting their marriages while the single people should have the courage to ask "who are we in this relationship". This, the Reverend instructs can prevent assumptions and subsequent disappointments.

Dr Kithinji cautions the singles that as the relationship goes notches higher - maybe by the third date - all parties should be able to detect if they are "just another unit in the other's syllabus" or they are indeed special. He suggests that the power in any relationship should be shared evenly between the man and the woman.

If the woman, for instance, detects that the man is leaving her to be with other women friends then she should know that she is wrongly inserted in that matrix. On relying on tell-tales, the doctor says that tell-tales are useful data so they need to be analysed properly, verified and used or discarded as appropriate. "Assumption can not only lead to disappointments but also to sin!" he counsels.

Siriah's experience differs from Mugo's*. Mugo claims that he got himself a woman friend because his wife barely understands serious issues.

"I can't engage my wife in an intellectual conversation!" he mourns and says that his platonic friend is a single woman and a colleague in an oil company.

He says that they meet often to discuss politics and business which she seemingly understands well. However, he has to hide the relationship because he wouldn't want to offend his wife who, as he claims, doesn't even know that such words as platonic relationship ever exist.

"We take long rides together and because she is unmarried, I drop her at her apartment in the evening," he says and adds that though he is sure no one can believe it, he has never entered the girl's house.

Jupitar Mulerwa, 30, feels cheated, betrayed and taken advantage of to the extent that he declared never to love again. He cites a girl he had dated for three years and had spent so much on her in terms of money and time only for her engagement to another man to be announced in their church.

"All along, the man was in India studying medicine but she never as much as mentioned him," he laments and wonders if she was too blind to understand that all what he was doing for her had a meaning.

Jupitar would later learn that the relationship with the other man was not even a year old. He also found out that the girl had confided in one of his friends that he had taken too long to declare his motive.

Michael Mwiti, 27, a Nairobi-based software developer and a youth counsellor advises young men to shun the habit of overspending on a girl after only the second meeting.

"Wisdom should teach you that this is not an impressing game," he reminds his fellow youth. He advises young men who are in platonic relationships to make their stand clear so that the girl doesn't expect too much.

"This will enable each party to keep the necessary distance and privacy since that would make the basis of a solid relationship," he says.

He says that girls, on the other hand, should stop relying on hopes which may be misspelt but to get things clear from the word go.