I am dying with the secret of my father's affair

This week’s topic:

I am 22 and I recently realised that my father is seeing this single mother who happens to also live around our estate. I once asked him about it but this only helped to really offend him. He kept saying I don't respect him, that I should not listen to rumours.

I don't want to tell my mum about this but I feel sorry for her. This other lady is known to be a high maintenance and could be causing the financial strain we are going through in our family. I have tried even talking to my grandfather but he did not take any action.

I feel uncomfortable whenever we share a table with my parents and I would really like to change the situation. I think I am the only one who knows so please help me solve this problem once and for all. I really need to find a solution to this.

{Martin}

Martin, since you told your grandad and he did not take any action, gather up some courage and approach this woman about this issue. Talk to her and warn that if she does not quit, you will go ahead and tell your mother everything.

{George, Kiambu}

Martin, I hope you are mature enough to understand what a family is so go ahead and tell your mother about it. However, advise her not to confront either of the parties before getting enough evidence otherwise it may become ugly.

{Sylvester Odhiambo Ngutu}

This is your father and he needs respect no matter how you feel. Issues of adultery are usually a thorn in the flesh for many people. However, as a child, your intervention will fix the issue once and for all.

This you can do by engaging the right people and you may ease the building tension. However, do not be surprised if she is aware of what is happening but be assured they will find a way to deal with this.

{Ouma Ragumo}

Have you thought about what could happen if that woman infected your father with HIV? Look for a way of telling your mother about this although indirectly. Do not let this issue depress you or be a cause of heartache for you.

You may also approach this woman and tell her that you will expose their dirty tricks if she does not end this affair. Be a good child and a good keeper of your mother by telling her what is going on early.

{Onyango Outha}

It must be painful to see such things happening to your parents but bear in mind that this issue is between your mum and your dad. You don’t know what is going on between them so there is really nothing you can do about this.

Remember your mum knows him much better than you do and you don’t know how many battles she is currently fighting. Let them take care of their business their own way.

{Fred Jausenge}

In this era, we call a spade a spade and the reason why HIV is spreading is because people are afraid to speak out on these matters.

You tried your best by telling your father and even told your grandfather. If they did not act then take this responsibility and tell your mother to settle this issue once and for all.

{A Mutiithi}

Drop a clever hint to your mum and let her follow the leads because even if you were not to talk about it, it would still be discovered at some point and with a probable worse damage.

Also take a chance and tell that woman that she has been discovered. Women are better managers of social crises than men. With both women on high alert, once again tell your father what you known. The dangers in his action are too big to be ignored.

{Tasma Charles}

Counsellor’s take:

 Martin, this is a tough situation to find yourself in essentially because your parent’s problems are usually way above your head and you should desist as much as possible from getting involved. This is not to mean that there is nothing you can do in the situation but even if you did, you would only do so much.

So far, I can tell you that you have acted like a gentleman by not telling your mum instead choosing to confide in your grandfather. This is a bold step that will someday pay off and both your father and grandfather will commend you for it.

As a man, you will learn that while you will come across a lot of information every now and then, not all information should be acted upon. You see even after telling your grandfather, not much seems to have changed.

However, I am sure they must have had or are currently having a word about it and you soon may see the changes you so rightfully desire.

This issue is going to continually trouble to you but there is no other way apart from accepting that it is beyond your control. Once you accept this, it will become much easier to deal with.

The more reason you should not get involved is that you don’t fully understand your father’s plans for this woman. It could be just a normal casual affair but it could also be a long term plan with the likely possibilities being not exactly what you would want to hear.

As a rule of the thumb, always stay out of your parent’s affairs.

Whatever happens between them is there business and as their child your opinion especially on such matters will never count. If you decide to confront your dad, he may retaliate especially considering your sources of information and the repercussions may be undesirable.

On the other hand, confronting your mother will only put her in an awkward situation. If you were a woman, would you want your son to know if his father was cheating in you? Sometimes we have to accept that we cannot be everything to everyone. For this moment, take your position as a child of that family and let them handle their own problems.

{Taurus}