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Here’s a riddle: What is the most wonderful thing in life to have that you can’t have because as soon as you get it you are letting it go? The answer: a child.
When a baby is born, she needs parental attention a lot more for a lot longer than most other infant creatures. But, practically from the moment of birth, she is starting to grow apart and away from you.
Parenting is less a business of inventing little human beings and more of a greater thrill of discovery. In other words, we do not make our children or turn them into the people we think they ought to be, we provide them with a safe environment, then give them the tools, guide their first steps and allow them the freedom to set sail and find out who they are.
From birth to “Mum and Dad, I’m getting married...”, letting go of our offspring is the hardest thing parents have to do. However, only when a mother learns to let go will her offspring begin to learn to depend upon themselves more.
When your child first goes to the neighbour’s house it’s the beginning of a process that is finally bound to break the cord that ties you and her, and in the sweet-and-sour moment of watching her walk away from you, you have to realise that the degree of pain involved in the process of letting go would depend entirely upon you.
Letting go of your child generously and at the right pace means that one day your child would be bound to you by nothing less than love.
But just what is the right pace for letting go? We live in a world full of dangers and we parents have a duty to make those dangers known to our children, but we also have a duty not to make them fearful. Fear may keep children out of trouble, but it will also keep them from joy. It’s judgement based upon knowledge, not fear, that keeps them happy and out of trouble.
The right pace for letting go depends upon a mutual trust between you and your child. It’s not necessarily when the child tells you so, or even when the experts do-it is when you can look at your offspring and feel trust in her, genuine trust that she now knows enough to go safely in a group or with an older child to school, safely away with a friend’s family, safely out on her first date, safely into the great adventure of her life.
How well do you encourage your child to be independent? * You wake up in the morning to find that your toddler has made an attempt to dress herself. Her pants are inside out and her vest back-to-front. Apart from that she’s wearing one sock and a cardigan. You are on the right track if you praise and not chide her for the efforts and encourage her to finish dressing. * It’s the first day of nursery school for your daughter and on arriving at school, she seems happy to join in. The temptation is to hover for longer than is really necessary and peer through the windows on your way out. However, you’re ready to let go if instead you tell her you’ll be back to pick her up later, then make a cheery but hasty exit. * Your friend says she’s taking her children to the amusement park and offers to take your child with hers. Her children are six and eight, but your child is only four. The prospect of letting her go without you is too daunting to contemplate and you get tempted to refuse outright but the right thing is to agree enthusiastically to the trip-after all, it’s not every day your child gets the chance of a day out.
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