I don't need you in the delivery room

Less than a week ago, I became an aunt to beautiful girl, Nikki. I am not here to talk about Nikki though, I am here to tell you about where angels like Nikki take their first breath on earth - the delivery room.

Someone recently asked me whether I would let anyone in the delivery room during birth. My answer was that apart from the medics, everyone else should be 32km away from the room when I am about to bring in a bundle of joy. That is my opinion though. While others would want their whole clan present to give them the support, I would, if possible, send everyone out including the medics and sermon them back in after ‘the push’. I mean, why would I want anyone to see me in that state? Leave alone in labour. Labour is one thing and what happens in the delivery room is another.

I remember telling the doctor that I could not push because my baby was stepping on my heart and if I pushed, she would crush my heart and I would die. Don’t even ask me how I came up with that. All I knew was that my baby had ‘turned’ in readiness for delivery and I assumed if her head was down, then her feet were up and probably on my poor heart. In that room, there are screams, laughter, tears, confusion, fights and every other unimaginable thing.

If my memory serves me right, on the day I brought forth my daughter, my eyes were wide open yet I could barely see a thing. If anything, I think I saw George of the Jungle swinging from one window to another winking at me. At one point, the doctor lifted the syringe to inject me and I grabbed it from him and threatened to use it on him if he kept telling me to push. Remember all this time, I did not even have an idea of what I looked like, leave alone how I sounded. Something tells me I sounded worse than a dinosaur!

That left me with one question, do we really need any support in the delivery room apart from the medics’ support? What exactly would I want my husband to do in the delivery room with me? In that room, I did not want anyone to touch me, talk to me or even look at me. So that only means I was defensive, attacking every single person present.

My people, let me tell you, those doctors and nurses in the delivery room have seen and heard things that my pen cannot repeat here. In fact, they need constant counselling. At some point, I remember shouting at the doctor telling him I wished my tummy was transparent so that he could see how my baby was pulling my small intestine! One nurse firmly held my hand and in a stern voice forced me to push or she would do something really bad to me. You should have seen me looking straight into her eyes and daring her to try me. The doctor kept telling me to breathe in and out and I kept yelling at him asking if I looked like I was holding my breath.

So now I ask my people, where do others get the courage to invite other guests to the delivery room? Some women ‘slay’ in the delivery room! Maybe some of you women are so lucky, all you have to do is push your behind backwards, swing your hip to the side, push your chest forward and whisper “puuuush” and boom the baby arrives in style. Maybe you deserve a congregation in the room to give you a round of applause. Some of us pull our hair and the medics’ hair, kick the drip-stand, bite anyone who dares touch us and scream, “leave me alone!” before baby checks in. Is that a scene I would want my ‘fans’ to experience? No thank you! Welcome to the world baby Nikki!