When being "too nice" becomes self-neglect

Being a goody two-shoes can lead to so much emotional exhaustion, especially if you are the kind of person who fills up everyone else’s cups while leaving yours bone dry. This perplexing behaviour can show up in so many ways. Take, for instance, someone who saves up for months so as to buy their spouse a luxury birthday gift or spends hours helping a friend to complete a project, yet they can not replace their worn-out shoes or go to the hospital for a nagging pain.

This self-neglect that is usually disguised as generosity or kindness is actually a psychological defence mechanism rooted in the belief that their own personal needs are a burden to others or that their value is solely defined by what they can do or provide for those around them.

The causes could be traced back to early life experiences where, as a child, their needs were secondary to the emotions or demands of their parents, caregivers or those who were in authority then. And over time, this creates a blueprint where they learn that love is something that is earned through service rather than something that they deserve for simply being human.

According to the American Psychological Association, this pattern is linked to a lack of self-compassion, which can lead to physical and mental health issues over a period of time. Contrary to altruism, this is usually an attempt to avoid intense guilt that rises when they try to prioritise themselves. According to them, spending money or time on themselves feels like they are robbing their loved ones.

Breaking this tiring cycle requires a redefinition of what being a good person means.

The first step is acknowledging that self-care is not a reward for hard work but rather a necessary need to have a healthy, balanced existence. If you constantly give and give to others without ever replenishing your own resources, you eventually become a source of stress to the very people you are trying to protect, as you start to break down.

To break it, one must start with small acts of self-investment. This could be something as simple as buying your favourite book without asking for permission or setting aside some money for personal use. Such small actions help retrain the brain to recognise that your personal needs are important and valid and meeting them does not diminish how you love or feel about others.

Healing will start once they learn how to sit with this monster of being ‘’selfish.’’ Reason being that, in reality, what they consider selfish is actually healthy. Reclaiming the right to be a priority in your own life is the most important gift anyone can give to themselves and those they care about.