What effective discipline looks like for a child

The Children Act 2022 in Kenyan law stands against corporal punishment at home, school and everywhere else (Photo: iStock)

Few aspects of parenting have sparked as much discussion as discipline. For a long time, parents, caregivers, educators, child rights advocates, religious leaders, and psychologists have debated or held differing views on the best ways to discipline a child and what healthy, effective discipline looks like.

Many studies reveal that the most common form of violence inflicted on a child is physical punishment. A 2025 report by the World Health Organization stated that it can have serious effects on physical and mental wellbeing in childhood and adulthood, such as anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, and emotional instability, and in adulthood, it can cause alcohol and drug abuse, violent behaviour, and suicide.

Other studies have also shown that it can trigger hopelessness, since corporal punishment is usually meted out with belittling, humiliation, fear, or ridicule.

The Children Act 2022 in Kenyan law stands against corporal punishment at home, school, and everywhere else.

Psychologist Faith Nyoike says that discipline is self-leadership, that is, the ability for a child to make promises to themselves and follow through on them.

“Discipline is not parents, teachers, or caregivers controlling a child. It is about helping a child learn to make decisions for themselves and see them through to the end,” she says.

In this regard, effective discipline resembles coaching. It involves guiding a child to pursue what they love, supporting them as they learn perseverance, and helping them reach their potential while still giving them the freedom to be a child.

Faith sets apart punishment and discipline; while the former is a one-off consequence or response imposed after a child does something wrong, discipline is a long-term process of forming a character in how a child lives and makes decisions.

“Discipline teaches a child how to keep promises to themselves, work toward goals, and eventually become responsible, functional adults,” she says.

When discipline is established early, she continues, it evolves as the child grows. A disciplined child won’t need to rely on constant reminders from parents, but they learn to manage themselves and understand what needs to be done.

For younger children, she says, discipline is most effective when it is modelled since a child learns primarily by observing the adults around them. Parents are therefore a child’s first teachers. As they grow older, teachers and peers are additional voices of influence who strengthen or challenge the values they have learned at home, and this makes consistent modelling even more important.

Faith believes that parents must walk the talk if they want a child to follow household expectations.

“If you want them to apologise, then you apologise. If you want them to be loving, then you show love. You cannot ask of them what you have not demonstrated yourself. The number one discipline tool is modelling,” she says.

When it comes to rules, she advises parents not to overwhelm a child with long lists of expectations. Instead, give attention to one behaviour at a time and acknowledge improvements when they happen, which motivates them to continue learning.

A child also learns to communicate and respect boundaries when they see adults doing the same. If they make a mistake, Faith encourages adults who are responsible for the child to always use a disciplinary method with a lesson.

“Start with explaining what went wrong, give a warning, announce the consequence, and then follow through, if necessary,” she says.

Consequences help a child understand that life involves both positive and negative outcomes. Learning to hear "no", being denied certain privileges, and experiencing disappointment can help them foster resilience and emotional maturity. What should never be withdrawn, she insists, are basic needs such as food, shelter, clothes, and care.

Faith says that the tone parents use to teach a child also matters. She explains that since emotions strongly influence behaviour, a child needs guidance in understanding and regulating their feelings. Parents who manage their own emotions effectively provide a child with a blueprint for doing the same. During emotional outbursts, calm responses are far more effective than escalating the situation. While she empathises with parents who are already stressed and unregulated, she advises them to be aware to avoid releasing that stress onto the child in the form of discipline.

“A child is emotional, and you are their safe person; therefore, parents need to be self-regulated for them to approach discipline in healthy ways,” she says.

Though they understand the importance of discipline, she observes that many parents face challenges in applying it consistently.

She believes the most effective consequences involve withdrawing privileges rather than imposing harsh punishments. For example, limiting television time after a rule has been broken can be effective if the consequence is used consistently.

"When I say there is no TV, my children know I mean it. If they watch it when I’m not around, the next consequence is no TV for the entire weekend," she says.

She further notes that some consequences can be effective for one child and ineffective for another, depending on personality. For instance, time-outs will likely feel like a punishment for an extroverted child who craves interaction but can actually feel enjoyable to an introverted child who prefers solitude.

She advises parents to create space for honest conversations about behaviour instead of relying only on correction. Parents can also be vulnerable and authentic with their child.

“We want to appear perfect, but we are not. A child learns from seeing us being honest, not perfect,” she says.

Avoiding empty promises and consistently modelling the behaviour parents wish to see are some of the most powerful teaching tools. Moreover, a child thrives when positive behaviour is acknowledged, such as a simple praise of their good habits, which is effective.

Positive discipline, she adds, is positive coaching. Just as a coach guides an athlete toward success while helping them learn from failure, parents are preparing a child for adulthood.

“Parents will know your efforts are working by a child’s actions. You won't constantly be fighting over small things.  A disciplined child is also able to keep promises to themselves, have strong values, manage responsibilities, and make good decisions even when no one is watching,” she says.