Am I overreacting or is my husband too critical?

Hi Chris!

My husband constantly criticises my cooking, my clothes, my job, everything, when I’m sure they’re actually fine. It makes me feel awful, and I can’t seem to get him to stop.

Criticism

Chris says,

Hi Criticism!

I do sympathise. Criticism’s very wearing, especially when you know you’re actually doing a good job. Your husband’s fault-finding has probably become a habit that will be difficult to change. So, without giving in to it, your best approach is probably to reshape your reactions to his remarks in ways that reduce them.

Start by asking yourself why his disapproval bothers you so much. Because he will almost certainly say that he’s really just trying to help you. But his nitpicking probably makes you feel like a child again. So your challenge is to help him develop a more adult relationship with you, and that’s all about your response to his criticism.

So whatever he says, don’t get upset! Because that will reinforce his behaviour. Instead, you need him to see you as a confident, relaxed, assured and independent adult, whatever you’re feeling inside.

So don’t fret about his criticism. Stay relaxed, respectful and polite, and don’t rise to the bait. And find ways to respond to his unwanted advice so that you don’t get drawn into the put-down. A good trick is to say nothing at all for a few moments.

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A moment’s silence will probably stop his comments, but if it doesn’t, just say something like ‘Thank you for your suggestion, I’ll think about it,’ and then move the conversation on to something else. Once he sees that his criticisms aren’t getting to you, they’ll gradually get less frequent.

But what if some of his criticisms ring true? If you’re resisting good advice, ask yourself why. Also, think about why he’s behaving the way he is. Maybe he’s actually insecure, and you could help him feel more confident? Because understanding his behaviour, and your reactions to it, will also help you to take his advice when it’s useful, and not be bothered by the rest.

All the best,

Chris