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A word for mums who never wanted kids

Crazy Monday By Esther Muchene
Women who didn't plan on becoming mothers but are mothers all the same are beginning to speak up (Photo: Shutterstock)

Whether or not a woman should have or choose not to have kids will always be a sensitive topic. Some women know that they wanted kids from a very young age, but for others, it’s not the case. There’s a part of society that doesn’t believe there are women who really don’t want kids and with that comes a lot of heavy judgement.

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Within that community of women who have no desire to have kids, are those who actually end up having children. Life happens, things change and you find yourself breastfeeding at 1 a.m. while you’re half asleep. Now you have to awkwardly accept the congratulations for your baby and a part of you wants to curl up into a ball and cry. 

Here’s some advice if you find yourself with kids when you never planned to have any. 

i. You’re not alone

Society likes to isolate women who don’t want to have kids. You’ll face the pressure if you attempt to air your views and surprisingly, some family members will even resent you for it. And now that you have kids, they’ll automatically assume that you changed your mind just like they said you would. Only a few will understand how you feel about the whole motherhood thing and eventually you might even meet some women who are going through what you’re experiencing.

Recently, women who didn’t desire to have kids have started being more vocal about how they feel, which is revolutionary. They might still feel comfortable sharing their stories anonymously but, at least you know you’re not alone.

ii. You’re not a horrible mom

It’s hard to admit that you didn’t want to have kids in the first place. It doesn’t mean that you hate your kids and it doesn’t make you a horrible person. It just means you’re being honest. Don’t feel horrible about yourself if you don’t enjoy carrying your baby or spending every single moment with them. It’s going to be tough for a while but the fact still remains that motherhood isn’t necessarily for everyone. Hold on to your truth regardless of how people feel.

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iii. You shouldn’t be forced to have more children

Things might just get worse if you’re pressured into having more kids. It’s one thing to amicably decide to have more kids with your partner but it shouldn’t be a matter of forcing issues. You’re the one who’ll bear the burden of carrying the baby through the nine months then go through the pain of labour and delivery. Perhaps you’ll even be the one to change the diapers throughout and handle everything else in the household so I believe you have the right to decide whether you can handle more kids or not.

iv. Never resent your children for it

It’s not your child’s fault. They didn’t sign up to be born. Although you have a right to feel the way you do, you should never take out your anger on them. Every child deserves to be loved by their parents regardless of whether they were planned or not. Parenting will force you to do things you never wanted to but that’s just how life is. You have to appreciate them for who they are and focus on the joy they bring.

v. Things might change

Some mums actually come round after some time. There are still those moments where you miss your childfree days but for the most part, they learn to embrace their new lives. Seeing your baby smile as they sleep peacefully or noticing they have the same dimple as you can actually turn things around. It’ll be a gradual process of making lemonade out of the lemons that life gives you.

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