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My boyfriend doesn't want to be intimate with me

Relationships By Mirror
Photo: Courtesy

Sometimes I even question if he's gay at all and I fear I will stray if this carries on

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Dear Coleen

I’ve been in a gay relationship with my partner for nearly three years now. I’m 28 and he is 39. We live together and get on really well, but there’s a big difference when it comes to our views on sex.

I’m very passionate, I love being intimate and can honestly say I’ve never been more sexually attracted to anyone than my boyfriend.

Which is why it’s so frustrating getting constantly rejected by him.

My partner is romantic and everything I want in a life partner, but whenever I try to be sexy or attempt to turn him on, I’m fed an excuse or simply told “Stop.” Even when we kiss I can tell he’d rather be doing something else.

He tells me he’s madly in love with me, so I just don’t get it!

When we started seeing each other I think his sex drive was much higher, but in the past three years it has decreased.

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I’ve spoken to him numerous times about this issue but he always gets upset and apologises, things will be great for a week and then return to the way they were. I just feel like he doesn’t really fancy me, but denies this.

I’ve tried absolutely everything to make him more passionate and always tell him how sexy he is, but nothing helps. Sometimes I even question if he’s gay at all! I fear I will stray if this carries on but only want to be intimate with my boyfriend. Please help!

Coleen says

At 39 he’s young to have lost his sex drive, so maybe it’s a case of just being complacent. He is capable of being passionate because when you do confront him, sex is great for a while and then things return to the way they were. He’s not getting the point that this is an ongoing and important issue for you.

Perhaps you’ve simply reached a point where you both want different things. The problem is, now sex is an issue, every time you have it you’re probably thinking he’s only doing it because you’ve bullied him into it and he probably feels resentful. None of that makes you feel sexy, so making love becomes a chore.

Try explaining again that while you don’t expect him to want to have sex all the time, the lack of passion is a serious issue for you and it’s making you feel unattractive and frustrated.

And then back off a bit and allow him some space to think about what you’ve said and make the first move.

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However, you can’t expect things to be the way they were when you first started dating. That first year is all about sex, but once your relationship evolves into something deeper, that desperation to rip off each other’s clothes every five seconds naturally declines. That’s just life!


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