While jokers are hitting on you, someone from Nyanza is flying into Meru town to pay bride price.

Weekend to me is a time when I am supposed to rest, not just my body but my mind too. When I say rest, I mean my mind should be free from anything that could make me look into the heavens and sneer at the clouds because they are the only things I see when I look up!

Sometimes I look up and ask God what exactly some of us ladies did wrong that we end up sneering at things we should be proud of.

When I first saw the photos online, I smiled and sighed in relief quietly mumbling the words ‘gutter press’, then I made myself comfortable on my tiny bed and turned to face the wall before I continued scrolling the news items on my mobile phone. That’s when I saw the headline again, on a different credible website, “Luo Man Troops Into Meru With A Convoy Stretching A Kilometre Away Just To Pay Dowry”.

I zoomed in on the photos and whispered to myself, “Photoshop”, then clicked and again turned to face my ‘American kitchen’ which lies right under my nose next to my bed. Nooo, I was not going to believe that some lady somewhere was that lucky while some of us were still wallowing in dreamland. My Bible tells me God created us in His own image; this lady must be God’s right ventricle! Curiosity and jealousy overcame me as I downloaded the photos one by one to make sure they were real.

I knelt on my bed next to the only window my house has and looked out. I wanted to open it and look at the other wonders of the world from my seventh floor ‘apartment’ but I could not. Blame it on the constructor that recently built another flat next to ours. So close are the two flats that my window can no longer open because the other wall has blocked not just my window but my view too. It robbed me of the only source of natural light I had, so my lights have to be on both day and night.

I shut my eyes in wonderland to imagine it was my dowry that was being paid only to be interrupted by the beeping of that Kenya Power gadget in my room. I was running out of electricity units for the second time in two weeks!

Some of us must have been born on Friday the 13th! How else do you explain being hit on by jokers all your youth? How do you explain hitting 30 with no serious suitor around except for those pot-bellied married men approaching their 60s who only want to earn bonga points from their age mates for being able to attract a Beautiful, Educated, Religious, Young Lady?

That convoy from the Southern part of Nyanza stretched a kilometre away, and they were not cars, I swear those ones are known as automobiles! I also saw some choppers, someone please tell me there was a political rally because if those choppers were part of that convoy then I will start packing my clothes right away and head to a convent.

Maybe I should become a nun and wait for the trumpets to sound then walk out the convent and board my chariot home! Chariots too go up the air like choppers, right?

Ladies, have you ever felt like you have an Adam’s apple in your throat? That’s exactly what I felt as I gave the lucky lady a round of applause! She set her standards and went for her dreams. To all the jokers in my life, my flag is up, you are all offside! One more step towards me and you get a red card.