I want sexual relations and I'm tired of my boyfriend ignoring me

Dear Coleen

My boyfriend and I have been dating for about a year and a half now.

In the beginning sex was awesome.

I would stay at his place on the weekends and we would have sex three or four times Friday and Saturday night, and then again once or twice before I left on Sunday afternoon.

I started dropping by after work a couple of times so we could spend more time together – and have sex!

About six months into our relationship I found out he had been cheating on me. We talked about it and have decided to work on our relationship and move forward.

Since then things have been difficult, mostly because we no longer have sex. We went from doing it all the time when he was cheating to having sex only once since October.

We have had countless talks about it and many arguments. He blames our schedules, but they haven’t changed. All that’s changed is that he was caught cheating and we have moved in together. I think it’s just an excuse.

I love him, but intimacy is very important to me and I’m tired of being neglected and ignored.

Coleen says

I think the problem now is that following his affair, sex has become a test of how committed he is to you.

For the time being, I would take sex out of the equation. Stop making it about “we’ve not had sex in months” and deal with the infidelity.

I’m sure you’ve talked about it but have you really admitted how it made you feel and how insecure you are now when it comes to sex?

And has he talked about why he cheated because, if he hasn’t, I don’t see how you can learn from what happened.

Work on the emotional side of the relationship rather than the physical.

It’s an old chestnut, I know, but start courting each other again rather than coming home from work to that tense environment because you’re not having sex.

Go back to the start and talk about what it was like to be together at first – remembering that stuff really does ignite things.

If you’re honest, I don’t think you trust your boyfriend and, while you can’t keep battering him over the head with his affair, unless he’s prepared to talk openly and honestly about what happened and where you go from here, then there’s no future for your relationship.