What being young and pregnant taught me

When faced with an undesirable situation, there are two choices – fight or flight.

When Mwende Mbae, a pastor’s child, found out she was pregnant at 24 yet she was unmarried, she at first contemplated the flight option – terminating the pregnancy – but quickly tossed the idea and decided to face the reality of becoming a mother while still in college.

Mwende, now 27, grew up in a close-knit Christian family with her father heading a church in Kyuna Estate. In 2013, she committed to drawing closer to God and joined a Bible study group at Mavuno Church called Mizizi. Throughout the 10-week programme, Mwende says she drew closer to God and formed friendships.

But there was one particular friendship that Mwende nurtured – the one with her group leader Kenji. “Towards the end of the Bible study, he and I became good friends. He was easy to talk to and seemed to take his spiritual walk seriously. After we completed our classes and started preparing for the Bible study graduation, we got even closer. We started spending time together outside church. He did not formally ask me to be his girlfriend but I assumed we were dating.”

RECONNECTING

Months passed and one day Kenji mentioned a girl he knew who was studying abroad. “He just said they were friends. I wondered why he felt the need to mention her but I didn’t think too much about it. I later realised he was introducing bits and pieces of information about this girl because she was soon returning to Kenya and he wanted to pursue a relationship with her,” Mwende says.

Kenji kept on telling her more and more about the girl until one day he dropped the bombshell that he had been communicating with the girl as he simultaneously “dated” her. He said he wanted to pursue a relationship with her once she returned to the country. “I was angry he had been dating both of us so I broke things off and we didn’t talk for more than two months.”

One day, Kenji called her up and they reconnected. It seemed Kenji had decided to choose her over the other girl. The two got intimate and in October, a dreadful thing happened – Mwende’s period did not come.

“I started panicking but decided to give it a few days. I thought my period was just late, after all, I had taken P2 pills. My period did not come so I bought two pregnancy tests. Only one line appeared on the first one and I was just about to breathe a sigh of relief when I noticed a very faint second line [a positive pregnancy test has two lines, negative has one]. I froze. I took the second pregnancy test and the same thing happened. I frantically googled what that meant. Some websites said it meant the test was faulty, while others said it meant you are pregnant, regardless of how faint the second line is.”

Mwende told Kenji about the results and he said he would support her regardless of her decision. Mwende and Kenji decided to meet in the city centre and go for another test.

“Kenji was a little bit late so I proceeded to the clinic. I went to the corner and told the attendant I had done a pregnancy test and there was a weak second line. I asked if that meant the test was faulty. She told me a weak pregnancy line meant I was pregnant with a boy. I just broke into tears.”

When Kenji finally came, she did another test that confirmed she was pregnant. Mwende contemplated terminating the pregnancy. But whenever she thought about it, she says she felt like throwing up. “It just didn’t sit well with me,” she says. She sought advice from her big sister but framed the situation as if it was her friend who was pregnant.

“My sister told me to advise my friend to keep the baby because she had friends who had terminated their pregnancies and regretted it.”

With that, Mwende told Kenji she would keep the baby. But it seemed as if he had a change of heart. “He told me he was in love with the other girl.”

Mwende went back into despair and cut all communication with Kenji. She decided to tell her sister that the pregnant friend was actually her. But she did not have the courage to do it verbally, so she sent her an email. Immediately her sister got the mail, she called and reassured her she would support her and that it would be okay.

“I felt so relieved. The love my sister showed me gave me hope I could make it raising a child.” Her sister volunteered to tell her parents. She organised a get-together and broke the news. Mwende immediately started crying. But her father would have none of it. “He told me he did not want to see tears running down my face. I could see the disappointment and anger. His expression read – how could you bring shame to our family?” The drive back home was tense, as was the week that followed.

One day Mwende went to church and the pastor said something that gave her another sign that she had to keep her baby. “He asked women facing infertility to stand up to be prayed for. A large group stood up and I just started crying. There were people struggling to get children, yet I have been blessed with a child and I had contemplated getting rid of it. I decided to be thankful from that day.”

Mwende left university for a year when she was in her second trimester and started preparing for motherhood. Kenji tried reaching out to Mwende to apologise, but she would hear none of it. “I was tired of wondering when he will be there for me and my baby and when he will change his mind. But one day I just decided to hear him out. I still had a lot of bitterness but my brother-in-law advised me to put that aside because it was not about me but our child. I didn’t want my baby to grow up without a father present just because I had a problem with him.”

A child is born

In July 2014, Mwende gave birth to a girl – Niyara. Mwende says there are days that raising Niyara is difficult, but she adds that her baby is the “best thing to happen to me.” She says she has gotten back on track in her walk with God.

Mwende has started a YouTube series under the name itsamamazworld to inspire other young women through her motherhood journey. She hopes to start an organisation that will provide a forum for young women to support each other.

To all the young, unmarried mothers, Mwende says – “You are not alone. You might feel like having a baby at a young age and out of wedlock is the end of your life, but it isn’t. It can be the beginning of something wonderful.”