How to handle a selfish parent

How to deal with a selfish parent (Photo: iStock)

When you think of parental love, it is universally associated with selflessness, love and kindness. However, the reality for many children involves navigating a family dynamic defined by emotional and material self-focus from their parents.

This is not the benign self-care that is healthy; this involves a sustained pattern of behaviour where a parent’s needs, feelings and desires consistently eclipse those of their children, regardless of the child’s age, circumstance or situation.

A major sign of a self-centred parent is the inability to tolerate disagreement or criticism, especially if it’s coming from their child.

These parents often present their opinions and decisions as absolute truths not to be questioned, viewing any challenge as a personal attack rather than a valid difference in perspective.

For instance, the parent who consistently requires their adult child to attend family events or fulfil specific social duties, not because the child enjoys the activity, but because the parent needs to maintain a specific social image or control the narrative of the family unit.

This trait will present itself through emotional manipulation, where any resistance from the child is met with guilt-tripping, victimhood language or passive-aggressive silence, effectively training the child to prioritise the parent’s emotional comfort and needs above their own.

As one would expect, the cumulative effect of this behaviour on the family can be profoundly damaging. Children who grow up in this environment often develop a deep-seated internalisation of guilt, feeling perpetually responsible for their parents’ happiness or distress.

This relationship pattern breeds a constant state of emotional depletion as the adult child learns to override their own desires to avoid parental conflict or disapproval. On top of that, siblings may find themselves vying for the limited emotional resources available, thus leading to competition, comparison, and broken sibling relationships.

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Over time, the adult children may experience anxiety, depression and significant difficulty in forming healthy, reciprocal relationships outside the family. Why? Because their relational blueprint has been skewed toward one-sided giving.

Addressing this complex reality, many people find themselves in requires clarity and a commitment to putting yourself first. Since you cannot alter your parents’ core personality, it is possible to change how you respond to them.

You first have to realise that it is not your problem but their problem. Your parents’ bad behaviour is a function of their own internal struggles and not a reflection of your worth.

Establish clear boundaries and enforce them in a calm, respectful manner. If they don’t honour that, you may have to cut them off and seek professional help.