Criticism that builds vs that which destroys

Relationships are complex and when you think of an ideal family, it should be a primary source of unconditional support, unwavering love and validation.

That, however, is not always the reality. Some are breeding grounds for criticism, both overt and subtle occur and have a significant psychological impact on those who experience it.

But before you make an accusation, it is crucial to differentiate between constructive feedback and negative, destructive criticism.

The latter, usually disguised as concern or advice, can erode your self-esteem, foster anxiety and compromise the integrity of familial relationships. Calling this bad behaviour out requires a professional approach that prioritises emotional health without sacrificing relational connection.

Unlike constructive feedback, which is specific, actionable and rooted in a desire for mutual improvement and growth, negative criticism, on the other hand, tends to be generalised, personal and often focuses on character flaws rather than behaviour. It may present itself as blanket statements like, “You always do that,” or “You’re not responsible,” which offer no path for resolution.

It leaves you feeling shameful, inadequate or even defensive, unlike constructive feedback, which makes you believe that you’re capable and motivated to do better.

Additionally, you will realise that it occurs in public or during moments of vulnerability, thus maximising its emotional impact.

The true intent behind such uncalled-for criticism is normally not to help but to control, assert dominance and project the critic’s own insecurities. Once identified, handling destructive criticism requires a strategic and emotionally regulated response. Is it easy? No. But it’s not impossible either.

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Usually, the immediate, instinctual reaction we resort to is to defend ourselves, which can escalate the conflict into a defensive power struggle. A more effective approach is to avoid an immediate emotional engagement.

Instead, employ a professional, detached stance to manage the interaction. This may involve creating a psychological boundary in your mind whereby you internalise criticism as not being a fact because it is not the truth.

Another useful tactic is to use validation and deflection phrases that acknowledge the person who’s making those comments without agreeing with their substance. Statements such as “I hear your concern,” or “Thank you for your perspective, I’ll consider that,” can diffuse the tension and prevent a reactive cycle.

Eventually, you will have to set clear boundaries and communicate how you would like to be addressed moving forward. Do so firmly and calmly in private, just you and them.