Confessions: My sister’s boyfriend is making passes at me

I am 26 and my sister is 28. We live in the same house and she is currently dating a man who has some funny behaviour. Every time he is around me, he keeps making passes at me always saying how much he likes me and that it is me he loves.

I have tried staying away from him but this has all been in vain. I don’t like him but he is becoming too persistent and I am afraid that she is going to find out about this. I don’t know what to do about this situation; I love my sister and would not want to hurt her. Please advise me?

{Nellie}

Simon says:

Yes Nellie, your fears are well founded and accurate. I can confirm here and now that it is not a matter of if but when and when she does, it will be extremely difficult for you to exonerate yourself from blame and you (even more than him), will face the music. Being a lady, you would know better than me how protective you people get over a man even against his male friends and you know very well how you bring out your claws when it comes to another woman who appears to be putting her hand in your cookie jar. I did not mince my words because you have to do something about it now.

I am not putting any blame on you but should she find out about this (and I insist that she will), she will naturally be blind to the real facts of the matter – that he is the one who has been making passes, hitting on you, telling you that it is you he loves, she will see you as the perpetrator of all crimes against humanity. This happens that when a woman uncovers something about her man and another woman – she will always believe that her man is honest, loving, caring and loyal to her, it is that woman (they don’t always use such kind words) who lured him into this. Ideally, you don’t want to drive a wedge between you and your sister over a man. These conversations are hard to have and can be rather embarrassing especially when she involves other family members and accuses you of things.

The way to handle this is to have a straight conversation with him and let him know in clear terms that you do not and will not condone this anymore. If possible, have this discussion with him. You may want to make it clear that if he carries on, you will indeed share this with her. Leave no grey areas on this and be blunt about this. It’s not acceptable and most certainly nothing good can ever come from it.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

You have every reason to be troubled by your sister’s boyfriend’s behaviour. This is a major character flaw that you cannot ignore and let your sister walk into. There is no sufficient excuse that man can give. That is your sister and he could not respect the close relationship between you two. We cannot help but imagine to what extend he can go with anyone else not related or close to his girlfriend.

As said before, this is a non-negotiable character weakness. Your sister is in for a raw deal if you do not bring this to her attention. What gives this man the confidence that you cannot tell your sister? Now that he has been persistent.

The other notion he most likely holds is that, your sister will never believe if you were to tell her. We must note that most cheats are super nice and can be quite endearing. Once he is sure of your sister’s naive trust, he will take advantage of that.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.