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"My partner still sees his wife and won't fully commit to me"

Living

Dear Coleen

My partner and I were having an affair for 10 years before we officially got together 18 months ago, after his wife threw him out. She finally found out about us and asked him for a divorce. He was renting a flat on his own for a few months because he has teenage kids and wanted them to have somewhere to stay when they visit, but now we’re living together at my place.

My issue is, even though our relationship is out in the open and we’re living together, he won’t let me be a part of his family life. He attends all family dos on his own and meets his kids away from the house, so I barely know them. And he’s still pretty involved with his ex, helping her out if she needs ­something doing around the house and so on. He can’t seem to sever the ties he has with her. They’re still not divorced and I’m starting to wonder if he’ll ever make a proper commitment to me or if this is just a “holiday” from his marriage.

It took him 10 years to leave his wife and even then it was only because she found out and wanted nothing more to do with him. Is this a lost cause?

Coleen says

Maybe! It sounds as if he still doesn’t know what he really wants. Maybe he just wants it all – he had the best of both worlds when you were having the affair – but clearly that’s not possible. I think he could also be struggling with guilt around his family, so he’s helping his ex and trying to keep the kids happy.

There’s a good chance his children don’t want to be in your life because they see you as the reason their parents split up. Obviously, it’s not that clear cut, but that’s how they’ll view it. All you can do is let him know you’d be keen to get to know his kids better and that they’re welcome at the house. However, I think you can put your foot down when it comes to his ex. He’s with you now – and by the sounds of it, his wife doesn’t want him back unless it’s to put up a shelf.

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