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Why don't I ever initiate things?

Between The Sheets
 Why don’t I ever initiate things? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

Every time we make love, it’s always my husband who starts things off. Always! I feel bad about that, but I’ve no idea what to do.

Non Starter

Chris says,

Hi Non Starter!

Lots of women are unsure how to start things, because they’ve never really done it!

So what do you need to do?

The first step is to stop overthinking things. Because as soon as the thought of sex pops into your head, you talk yourself out of it. “It’s so late.” “What if the kids hear?” Instead, whenever the thought pops up, just start kissing him.

Did you grow up thinking only boys like sex? Naturally that’s not true, but admitting that you like sex can be hard. So practice saying “Last night was fun” to him in the morning after you’ve made love, Because talking about it afterwards will make it easier to talk about it beforehand.

If you’re too embarrassed to say out loud that you want sex, then use touch instead. Wrap your arms around your husband, start nibbling his ear, and let your hands wander. And be totally obvious. Subtlety is just confusing.

Try texting him at work “Let’s be sexy tonight!” Or instead of wearing your warm cotton pyjamas, put on a silk nightie. Or one of his shirts. Or nothing at all.

If sex is your plan, then make sure it happens while you’re still thinking about it, rather than letting other things, like the news, the internet or a movie distract you and make you change your mind.

So don’t watch that chick-flick first. Or get on the computer thinking, “after this we’ll get raunchy.” You’ll be too tired.

And once you’ve caught his attention, don’t hand everything over to him. Stay in charge. Touch him. Guide his hands. Choose your favourite position yourself.

Being active shows him you really do want to make love. While if you just lie there and don’t do much, he’ll probably end up thinking “she’s just doing this to please me.” Show him you’re interested by making things happen!

All the best,


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