How to take initiative in the bedroom

He always leads and I follow. Is that really how it’s meant to be? [Courtesy, Freepik]

Hi Chris,

When my boyfriend and I started out, everything felt gloriously spontaneous. But as time’s passed it is almost like intimacy has becomes one of the chores. Each predictably playing our own role, like he always leads and I follow. Is that really how it’s meant to be?

Predictable

Hi Predictable!

You’re right, established couples do play fairly predictable roles in bed. Like who takes the lead and who responds. Who’s more demanding. Who’s more demonstrative. Who feels more entitled to feel good.

It’s usually men who take the initiative, because traditionally women have been socialised to rely on their desirability rather than follow their desires. So you might snuggle up when you’re in the mood, but never actually say ‘Let’s make love…’ Deep down you worry about rejection, and so you stay unsatisfied.

Meanwhile, your boyfriend is wishing you’d say what you want! He would like to lie back and be pursued once in a while! He wants to feel your need. Because always taking the lead in a relationship is very lonely.

He’s probably afraid you find him unattractive, because if he doesn’t speak up nothing ever happens.

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You want to change that? Well, start by thinking about your childhood. Because understanding how you interacted with your parents will help you to be more assertive with your boyfriend.

Try identifying a positive role model, someone confident, sexy and powerful, and imagine what they’d do! Fantasise about being feisty, and talk about it with your boyfriend. Chances are he’ll be pleased! And experiment! Take the initiative and be the seducer for once.

Taking responsibility for your pleasure can be tough to begin with, but the results will transform your relationship.

So let your boyfriend know how you worry about taking the first move, and all the other things that bother you. Your relationship will get a whole lot better.

And don’t worry. The first few times you say the first word will be scary, but once you’ve broken the ice you’ll find your desire will grow beyond your wildest dreams. And you’ll never feel quite the same again!

All the best,

Chris