How to deal with addiction to x-rated content

I am 45 years old but I can’t get my mind off porn. I have struggled with this problem for over 30 years. This addiction has wrecked my life, I can’t control my sexual desires as this is all I think about throughout my life day and night. I know there are a few women I have abused sexually through my actions. I have tried my best to get rid of this habit but I can’t. Kindly help!  

Dear Reader,

Thank you for the details that you have provided because they help me better conceptualise the enormity of the challenges that you are facing. Whenever I have written to readers about pornography and masturbation, common questions or statements centre around the issue of addiction.

In response, I have often pointed out that addiction is different from pleasure; addiction – whether to behaviour or substances like drugs or alcohol – is a diagnosis that is made only after certain criteria has been met. These criteria include elements of impulsivity as well as compulsivity.

One definition of “impulse” is that it is “a sudden strong and unreflective urge or desire to act.” Other words you can use to conceptualise this include “instinct, need, itch”. A person with an addiction will report having difficulties controlling or managing their desires which lead them to behave in a way that violates their wishes or values.

As for compulsive behaviours, an easy way to conceptualise them would be to think of them as incessant i.e. they are done constantly, and the desire to engage in them seems to be ever-present and never-ending.

Such behaviours may lack the sudden-ness of impulsive ones but they are always on your mind and therefore are always engaged in. This is why people suffering from addiction will describe their inability to stop their behaviour despite various attempts to stop or avoid those behaviours, and despite knowing the consequences associated with them.

Addiction also robs the person of joy in the activity; those suffering from addiction rarely enjoy the addictive activities, behaviours, or substances because these things turn from enjoyable activities to activities that cause the person to feel enslaved or trapped in them.

Addiction quickly turns into a ‘game’ of survival in which the person with the addiction feels like they will always lose. This can bring with it feelings of shame, anger, frustration in addition to actual disorders like depression or anxiety.

You describe 33 years of engaging in behaviour that you have been unable to stop on your own, that has led you to behave in a manner that in contrary to your personal beliefs and values, and that has left you feeling hurt, helpless and trapped. I empathize because it is clear to me that this has been a long and difficult journey for you. Now that you are here, I bet your next question is “what next?” Let us begin to answer that question. 

What Next?

I don’t mean to pacify you but you are in the best position to experience change in your life because you admit that this is a problem for you. It is said that admitting the existence of a problem is the first step to finding a solution, and it has taken you 33 years to get here. That is no small feat. You need to seek the support of a qualified mental health professional, for example a sex therapist, psychotherapist or psychologist, preferably one who specialises in sexual (dys)function. Their role is to provide you with a safe, professional, ethical and compassionate space in which you can both explore how you got here.

On the surface, this may look like a sex issue but it is more likely to be anchored in something else such as previous sexual abuse or even a medical condition. In the professionally therapeutic space, you will be able to explore the roots of this problem. It is also in this professional space that you will receive guidance, tools and recommendations that you can begin to apply immediately, so that you can be free from this addiction.  Speaking of medical condition, it would also be good for you to see a medical doctor i.e. a GP/family doctor. The purpose for this is so that they can do a full physical and refer you to a specialist, if needed. In some cases, addiction is a secondary manifestation of a primary problem such as a brain injury or bipolar disorder.

You have been dealing with this for more than three decades; let’s not take any chances. If there is a biological component to your challenges, the doctor will make the necessary recommendations and referrals. The doctor will also be able to make a decision regarding medical treatment that can help you better manage your impulses and compulsion to engage in these behaviours.  I would like to take the time to point out something critical based on your admission of looking under women’s clothes and exposing your genitals to them (indecent exposure). While I understand that this is part of the nature of your disease, it is important that you realise that it is a crime to do so. Even where you may not be taken to task using the court system, this kind of behaviour could attract dangerous attention to you and anyone that you are with, so it is of the utmost importance that you work harder to abstain from this behaviour, and that you seek assistance immediately.

I acknowledge that this has been a difficult challenge for you. I would like to offer you hope that you can and will get better if you seek the help that you need, and then commit to doing the necessary work that will free you to enjoy your sexuality rather than be controlled by it. Remember: healing is a process, and processes take time so, be patient with yourself and give yourself the time that you need. I wish you a happy, healthy and freedom-filled sex life.

Maggie Gitu is a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. She can be reached at [email protected]