Can self-pleasure affect my manhood?

Dear Eve,

I have been masturbating for 14 years but now I can’t manage even 5 minutes in bed game. Also, the size of my penis is affected by over masturbation. Please advise me. David

Dear David,

Thank you for sharing. It’s interesting that you refer to it as “over masturbation” because it implies that you, yourself, feel that you have been self-pleasuring too much. To me, the issue isn’t necessarily the length of time that a person has been masturbating - otherwise most of the world’s population would be in a lot of trouble; the issue is frequency; how many times it takes per day or per month for you to feel like ‘this is too much’, and that number which can vary from person to person. There are people who feel that once per week is too much while others feel that once per day is just fine. As we will see, the difference is in how you experience yourself because of your sexual choices.

Since the first part of your question talks about you concerns about your inability to last in bed, let’s talk about that. As you explain it, it sounds like a case of premature ejaculation. If indeed this is the case, it would not be surprising since too much masturbation - or even an addiction to masturbation - is frequently correlated with erectile dysfunction (ED). Now, ED can be a scary suggestion or even diagnosis to receive but it’s not all doom and gloom. Many times, it can be reversed or improved. The main thing is to gain an understanding of what it is, how and why it happens and how to reverse or minimise its impact on you and your partner.

What is erectile dysfunction?

In a nutshell, it is diagnosed when a man is unable to attain or sustain an erection long enough for sexual intercourse. It’s more common in older men but can happen among the younger ones as well. The causes vary from physical e.g. heart disease, low testosterone, diabetes, high blood pressure and several other diseases. The causes can also be as a result of psychological factors such as stress, depression or anxiety.

What does masturbation have to do with ED?

Well, first of all let us begin by separating masturbation from ‘too much’ masturbation. This separation is critical because self pleasure in itself is not the issue since it is one of many different options for sexual expression. However, once you begin to feel like you’re masturbating too much, other things come into play, for example guilt, shame, fear, worry and more. This is really the reason why masturbating becomes such a problem; the accompanying emotions to the thoughts that tell you “I’m doing this too much” can be damaging to you. Let me try to explain this in another way: supposing you enjoyed eating chapati. You also like rice, chicken, ugali and many of the foods that are enjoyed by others but you definitely enjoy chapati and look forward to eating it every chance you get. Now, what if you noticed that you were eating 10 chapatis everyday in one sitting just to feel full. At that point you might begin to think “I’m eating too many chapatis and it’s preventing me from enjoying my nyama choma.”

Now, think about what we normally tell ourselves when we feel that we have eaten too much. We are likely to think “I have been eating too many chapatis. Am I unwell? Oh no, I’m going to get fat! When did I become such a glutton? How can I stop eating chapatis?” and on and on the judgments go. Mind you, we don’t ask “how can I stop eating TEN chapatis EVERYDAY”, which is clearly the problem; we tend to want to eliminate all chapatis from our menus, as though the chapati itself is the problem. In reality, however, this would be a problem of excess, and not a problem of the food itself. Catch my drift? We use that harsh inner voice to guilt and push us towards stopping our love of the perfectly delicious chapatis, instead of asking ourselves how we got to the point of eating 10 chapatis and how we can consume a more balanced meal, with or without chapatis. The ‘why/how’ is just as important as the ‘what’. What I mean by this is that knowing why and how you got to masturbating “too much” is more crucial than guilting yourself into stopping. Usually, when we over do anything, it is because we are running away from some aspect of our reality, numbing out from a painful or uncomfortable aspect of our reality.

My question to you therefore is this: what is so painful or uncomfortable for you that you retreat and hide in the comfort, pleasure, assurance and predictability that masturbation provides? Are you stressed? Insecurity? Overwhelmed? Sad? Angry? Frustrated? Worried? Afraid?

What’s the real reason that masturbation is comforting to you that you require so much of it? It is important that you answer this question because this answer will give you new insights and help you make new decisions regarding your choice to pleasure yourself. Remember, you are not a helpless man but an insightful man so use these new insights to help yourself through this situation. It may mean that you seek the support of a sex therapist or other qualified professional; that’s ok. Make the appointment and get help now. It may be that you are able to do this exploration on your own; great! Do it! Either way, take ownership for it and own it before it owns you. Also, be patient; this has taken 14 years so at least allow yourself some time to see the results of your hard work.

As for your concern about your penis changing sizes due to masturbation, I would say that this isn’t really possible. Your penis size is your penis size. Other things may change the appearance of it’s size, for example weight gain, but the size you have is more or less there to stay.

So David, I hope you now have greater clarity on the issue and an idea of where to begin to shift your focus in a way that changes your behaviour that’s the issue. I hope you do get proactive about it so that you can be able to enjoy as much sexual pleasure as you want not just as a result of your inability to control your sexual impulses. Remember, you can have one chapati or you can have ten chapati, but the choices and outcomes will be yours. I wish you all the best as you begin this journey on to a more balanced and enjoyable sexual experience.

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu