Sex after having a baby:How to go about it

Dear Eve,

I’m 20 years old and married with one child. My trouble is that my husband nowadays considers sex unclean. He doesn’t like it anymore and the irony is, he is only 37 years old. Trixy.

Dear Trixy

I am particularly struck by the word ‘unclean’ because that is a sentiment that many new parents experience. While it is unclear whether you are new parents, your age suggests to me that you are, and so I will write with that in mind.

It is my belief and experience that for many people, child birth and parenting – while beautiful, blessed experiences – do wreak havoc on their sex life. However, many parents feel like they are not allowed to complain about a fledgling sex life or diminished sex drive. They may even feel unclean about enjoying something from the very same place that held and passed their beautiful, innocent, pure child. Here are a few suggestions as to what could be going on with him and this new attitude.

Purity vs Perversion

At some point, many adults have come across the idea that sex is dirty, perverted, sinful, wrong and so much more. In many instances, both male and female adults are able to overcome these thoughts; maybe the pleasure of sex makes it easier, or maybe they get married to avoid the label and consequences of “fornication” or maybe they just decide that sex is an in-built biological function that can’t be sinful.

Whatever the process, most adults get themselves past the idea that sex is wrong, that is until they start having children. Children, whether through natural birth, surgical intervention or even adoption, come into this world as clean slates. They are adorable, cute and so innocent, dependent upon us to take care of them and protect them. All of this is great, except for the fact that parents often buy into the belief that they must put their child and what they consider to be their needs above and beyond everything and everyone.

One of the first things to go out the window is sex! All of a sudden, all that pleasure feels wrong and all the old attitudes about sex come flooding back. Parents begin to feel as though such pure innocence cannot possibly exist. In reality, our bodies are made to be multifaceted and multi-functional. As long as the doctor has given the parent a clean bill of health, there is really no reason to abstain because you feel that sex is impure or dirty. For the record, and to be clear, it’s not. Sex is actually the reason you have that precious little baby in your life. It’s a good, beautiful and ‘pure’ thing.

Trauma

It’s interesting that when we think about having children, the needs and struggles of a mother are often considered to the exclusion of the father. In reality, bringing a child into a couple’s world is an intense experience for the man too. Whether through natural birth, caesearian section or even the legal nightmare that can come from adoption or fertility treatments, the level of helplessness that a man feels can be a traumatic experience. Allow me to generalise on this point; men absolutely hate to feel helpless especially in matters where pain must be endured by someone that they love.

Ditch the guilt

Many men have reported feeling guilty, as though it’s their fault for having put you “in this position”; if only they hadn’t had sex with you, you wouldn’t be in this mess. Some of those men may secretly or subconsciously decide to never put you in that situation again. The result is a diminished sex drive, strange or new attitudes toward sex or an avoidance of sexual contact. If your husband is one of these, I would urge him to reconsider based on the facts; his decision to have sex with you did not cause the problem; some of life’s experiences are simply painful affairs in their nature.

There are many other painful affairs that you and your child will endure that will not be cured by his decision to abstain e.g. immunisation, toothache, headache, struggling with school…I hope you can see the point that I am trying to make. Avoidance of pain through avoidance of sex is simply not a working strategy. There is a time and place for everything; there was a time to abstain and now is a time to reconnect sexually.

Sex is a gift

Finally, a sexually frustrated couple is not conducive to a happy, peaceful family so if it helps, he could start to see his sexual performance as a way for him to directly contribute to the health and happiness of his family; after all, it is said that happy couples make happy parents and happy parents make happy children. Sex could therefore not be viewed as impure but as the greatest, purest gift of all. I wish you the best as you find your way to each other.

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her via [email protected] or Facebook: Maggie Gitu