How do we move from 'roommates' to 'lovers' without it feeling forced?

Hi Chris,

Once upon a time, my husband and I had a lover’s language all of our own, and I loved the way we whispered in each other’s ears. But that’s somehow gone, as has our intimacy. What can we do to get close like that again?

Sweet Nothings!

Chris says,  

Hi, Sweet Nothings!

Couples often forget how important those lovers’ words are. Because whenever you make love, everything starts with a word. So if intimacy is fading, think about the way you talk to one another.

You also need to think about your priorities, because at the start of a relationship, everything takes second place to lovemaking. Later on, it’s the other way round.

So get your diary out and see if you can’t cross out a few things. And don’t feel you have to have full-on sex every time you’re alone together. Just talk, enjoy each other’s company, and practice being seductive! Be attentive, affectionate, and let your husband know what you want. And at least try to respond positively every time he approaches. It won’t always work, but a few moments of kissing and cuddling to see if your bodies will get the hint are never wasted. And your bodies usually will, even when you least expect them to.

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Work too on understanding the subtleties of each other’s words. After all, ‘No!’ can just as often mean ‘Go on!’ In fact, successful couples use words so skillfully that there always seems to be a hint of intimacy in the air around them. A little subtle teasing, and the suggestion of possibilities later. And yet no one who overheard them would have any idea what was going on. 

So don’t neglect those words of love, no matter how long you’ve been together. Re-establish your lover’s language and use it to tease, appreciate and encourage each other. And to improve your timing. Because it’s all those romantic words that gradually bring your individual moods into line with one another. So work on your loving vocabulary, and the passion between you will soon grow strong again.

All the best,

Chris