Confessions: She says I’m still too young to father her child, Is she ‘wife material?’

I met this woman several years ago and back then I was still in secondary school. She is good and loving to me although she is six years older than me. Over the years, she has actually fallen pregnant twice but decided to abort without consulting me. Every time I ask, she says that I am still too young to have a child with her which disappoints me a lot because I love her. She is now pregnant again but this time she doesn’t even want me to see her. I don’t know if she really loves me or has just been having a sexual relationship with me.  Please advice...

{Patrick}

Simon says:

Patrick, I think you have some grounds to cover in learning some critical life lessons and more so lessons about women. Let us go through the facts; she is six years older than you, she picked you while you were still in high school, she has aborted twice and is apparently pregnant now but does not want anything to do with you.

It is rather apparent that the two of you are working on totally different frequencies and that one is being taken for a ride (we shall not say who for now).

But I would also ask you a few questions regarding this situation two of which are; (i), Would you really want to marry a woman six years your senior? And (ii) How serious should you take a lady that has aborted twice in a span of only a few years? Reflect on those two questions and see if you can arrive at a reasonable answer for each – write the answer down and stick it somewhere you cannot miss to see it.

I ask these questions because I do not see any reasonable future for the two of you. She seems to be getting what she needs from you but in reality and she knows she is not the woman for you. I doubt that even that pregnancy she allegedly has would have much to do with you otherwise she would not be behaving like she is.

One thing you will learn about women is that they mature very fast and that is why they seek men who are several years their senior because that is the only level they can cope. Add five -seven years to her age and see the ideal man for her and then put your age down against her and that of her ideal man and you will clearly understand how she see’s you.

Take time and try to learn a little bit more about life and more so about women. I also encourage you to look for a woman that suits your age. This way you will be more comfortable and will have fewer frustrations. Finally, do not insist on seeing her or attending to her during this period. If she needed your presence and input, you would know.

Be more careful in your future relationships to ensure that most if the parameters will be right otherwise you will always engage in relationships that may never last long enough to see the light of day.

 Simon is a relationships counsellor

Boke says:

I appreciate people who make their intentions clear and never keep others guessing where they stand. This is a virtue. Your girlfriend is speaking loud and clear. Please hear her loud actions.

It is common to hear many young people claim that age is but a number. Age equals time and time is a major factor in life that cannot be down played by a sweeping statement like that. A six years difference is an issue and your girlfriend is acting that out. The truth is she has never been comfortable with the age difference that exists between the two of you.

I am convinced that she has been buying time hoping and waiting that someone ideal would come her way. Clearly it has not happened or it is taking longer than she expected and she is now carrying out her plan B. Which is, getting pregnant and raising the child alone. That is, if the child is actually yours. Well, that is another possible reality that you need to be alive to.

For you Patrick, the writing is clearly on the wall. Enough of the naivety. Being good as you put it, is part of us being humane and it should not be the only reason we cling to a relationship. Two abortion and the reason being; you are not ready for a child is a sure indication that she is not comfortable committing to you. End the drama by letting her know that you are opting out of this relationship.

One can almost hear your cry for the time you have invested in this relationship. For sure that is precious time wasted but there is a future to look forward to. This is water under the bridge. Carry with you the valuable lessons learnt. They will make you a better person in your next relationship as opposed to you holding to this and becoming bitter.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology and loves to share her knowledge in matters of life and relationships.

What the readers say:

Patrick, the earlier you realise this the better – this woman does not have you in any of her future plans. She doesn’t seem to care about what you think and does not respect your opinion in anything. The earlier you accept and take action, the better for you. This will save you from unending heartache and stress. Accept the situation and move on.

{Milka Wanja}

You have tried as a man and have been very patient. We must however face the truth that females mature faster than their male counterparts of same age.

This means she is wiser and more intelligent than you. In this case take the cue, leave and get a woman your age.

 {Ouma Ragumo}

She is not proud of you and she does not consider you the ideal man for her because of your age. She is afraid that permanent commitment to you may end up in disappointment for her because you may look for a younger option. The writing is on the wall for you brother, run brother run before it is too late.

{Aseri Dickson}

It is disturbing that you still think you have a chance with the woman, your age is one of the factors she makes some of decisions like aborting, yours is a straight case you don’t even need a geek to tell you what to do. Pack up your feelings and save them for a more suitable girl.

{Tasma Saka}