I find making love to my wife so boring. What can I do to improve that?

Dear Eve,

I love my wife but our marriage and sex life have become boring. How do I improve? Please help me.

Anthony

Dear Anthony,

Thank you for sharing this with me. I am encouraged that even though you currently feel bored of your marriage and sex life, you have taken the initiative of making things better instead of blaming your partner. Let us spend some time talking about how you got here and how you can get back on track.

Life happens

You have not said how long you have been married but you should know marriages go through all kinds of seasons, and boredom is a common one. Life happens and before you know it, the spark is gone and you barely recognise yourself or the woman you married. Too often, you don’t even remember the last time that you had sex. Children – as adorable and blessed as they are – can also wreak havoc on a marriage, especially when a couple does not create a boundary that allows time for adults and time for children. Some people have even told me they feel like they are living with their brother or sister in the same house because even the sexual attraction is gone. All these are part of marriage but they need not be all of the marriage. Some can be seasonal and you can contribute to making the seasons more bearable, while others can be interrupted and turned around – again, by your own concerted efforts.

Find ways to reconnect with your partner

Think back to when you were happier in your marriage; what were you doing differently then? I’m willing to bet that you were more attentive, maybe paid more compliments to your partner, and maybe even more helpful. Begin there. Remind her – and yourself – of who you were and who you can be by making the effort to reconnect with your wife again. When was the last time you paid her a compliment? Start today! Make it your business to find the positive in your wife, even amid the boredom and grind of your current life. 

Prioritise

No one likes to feel like an afterthought, so make your wife and your marriage a priority. Don’t relegate an evening out to after everything else has been done; prioritise it! It is not a question of being financially irresponsible so much as it is a question of making your marriage a first priority. It’s akin to that business principle that says “pay yourself first”. In this case, attend to your wife and your marriage first, before everything else. Make time for her during the day – you would not believe the impact of a one minute phone call or text message in the middle of the day, so make the time and the effort. 

Timing

I also encourage you to pay attention to your timing because timing is everything. You can do something good but feel like it did not get the reception you were hoping for; check on the timing of your good deeds. Right in the middle of a child’s temper tantrum or a work emergency may not be the right time to suggest a holiday or initiate sex. 

See a professional

It is OK to see a professional – make sure they are trained and registered – to help you both navigate through any difficulties. You may feel that “things are not yet that bad” but too many couples wait until the marriage has moved from boring to toxic or even volatile, hanging by a thread, before seeking couple’s counseling. This does not have to be you. While all couples can benefit from couple’s therapy, it is much easier to fix issues before they have had time to fester.

Imagine if you were taking a road trip with your wife; you would probably have the car checked and serviced before hitting the road, yes? What if in the middle of your trip you noticed the car was not functioning as well as before? Wouldn’t it be wise to stop at the nearest service station to have it checked again, refueled and any minor problems fixed before continuing your trip?

Such a decision would be more beneficial than trying to get to your destination only to discover that something small went wrong along the way that led to a bigger, more time consuming and more expensive problem to fix. Think of couple’s therapy as just that: stopping at a service station to refuel and have a quick service check to fix minor problems before proceeding to your preferred destination. 

I hope that beginning today you will make concrete steps towards reconnecting with your wife. You will notice that I really didn’t address the sexual boredom; that’s because very often, when things begin to improve with clothes on, they also begin to improve with clothes off. I wish you a happier, more satisfying marriage moving forward.

Maggie Gitu holds an MA in Marriage & Family Therapy. She practices as a Marriage, Family & Sex Therapist. Reach her at [email protected] or via her Facebook page: Maggie Gitu