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Dear Coleen: Should I get back with my ex or date his best mate?

Relationships - By Mirror | January 6th 2016 at 09:36:44 GMT +0300
Photo: Courtesy

Dear Coleen

My husband of 20 years has cheated on me three times over the past seven years. I begged him to stay after the first time, then he was the one who pleaded to stay with me the second time. After the third time, I just walked out without saying a word.

I took him back twice because he’s not a bad person and has always been there for me and my family when we needed him, taking care of me during my two surgeries. He also supported and motivated me to go to college and finish my masters degree.

I have been selfish at times in our marriage, but I never cheated on him. He was a giver and I was a taker in our relationship, but I loved him dearly.

Now he has been phoning me and emailing me a lot, but I haven’t called him back. I wrote one sentence on an email to give him some necessary information. It’s been nine months now since I left him and we aren’t divorced yet. Do you think there’s the possibility of a reconciliation for us?

To complicate things further, his best friend ended his marriage recently and he supported me during my crisis. As a result, I’ve started to build some feelings for him and he is also showing some interest in me. Is it a bad idea to date my ex’s best friend? Please help – I’m feeling very confused.

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Coleen says

Firstly, yes it is a bad idea. I think you’re both on the rebound and that’s the main thing you have in common. Your marriages have failed and that gives you an instant bond – you’re going through all the same stuff.

You might be confusing that connection with something deeper. Also, be careful that there isn’t a part of you that thinks a relationship with your ex’s best mate is a good way to get revenge.

Do I think you can repair things with your husband? Perhaps, with couples’ counselling and if you’re both completely honest with each other.

You need to talk about his serial cheating – why he did it and what makes him think he can turn over a new leaf now and stay faithful. What you can’t do is just walk back into each other’s lives and just carry on where you left off.

My honest opinion is that he’s been gone nine months and you’ve done really well on your own. You’ve come through the hardest part and you’re rebuilding your life without him. Do you really want to risk going back to him and potentially having to go through that all heartache again? I’d say, keep moving on.

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