I want us to have sexual relations but my 57-year-old girlfriend says she’s not ready

Dear Coleen

I have been dating a woman for about two months now. She is 57 and I am 68. She’s a lot of fun to be with and we always have a great time together.

I also think it’s something that could develop into a more serious long-term relationship.

At the end of the month, she’s taking me to meet her mother there. I do love her, even though we haven’t been together for that long, and she says she loves me, too.

Now, here’s the issue – we haven’t had sex yet. We hold hands and kiss, and one night we did mess around a bit in a hot tub when we were staying at a hotel.

We talked about this a month or so ago and she said she wasn’t ready yet for sex, so I told her to give me a sign when she was.

But I can’t say I’ve seen a clear cut sign yet. Is this usual when couples of our age get together? Or am I doing something wrong?

Any advice would be most appreciated because I just don’t know where to go from here.

Coleen says

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. Because she’s an older woman, she might simply be mortified at the thought of undressing in front of a man, particularly if it’s her first relationship for a while.

It’s not like when you’re younger and have no inhibitions, and you’re desperate to jump into bed.

At her age she could also have gone through, or be going through, the menopause. It can affect sex drive and she might be embarrassed to talk about it with you, particularly as you’ve only been dating for two months.

I think that’s an important fact here – two months is not a long time and she probably doesn’t want to rush it.

If you do love each other and you think you could have a future together, then there’s no reason to do everything straight away. Enjoy that period of getting to know each other.

However, if things carry on the way they are and show no signs of changing, then I’d understand your frustration because, naturally, you’ll want to take things to the next level.

If that’s the case, then you’ll have to approach the conversation again.

And if it turns out that she’s just looking for friendship and companionship, then you have to decide whether you’re happy with that or want to find a relationship that’s more sexual.

It certainly sounds as if she really likes you and you have a fun relationship, so give it a bit longer.