Is there more to cheating than just the physical act?

Hi Chris,

I always assumed that it’s just bad guys who cheat. But several of my girlfriends are doing stuff that I think’s questionable! So what is cheating really? And how do I keep my marriage cheating-free?

Cheats

Hi Cheats,

People rarely agree on what cheating is exactly. Like, when does texting a friend become cheating? Are you cheating if you have lunch together or flirt? Is cheating limited to sex? Most people think cheating’s all about men, but actually, women cheat just as much. And everyone says they’ll never cheat or forgive a cheating spouse. But they do!

Most of the reasons women cheat are the same as for men. But women are more likely to have an affair with someone they know well, or, as they approach 40, when many women get a subconscious urge to have one last child with another man, and start taking the sorts of risks that lead to one-night stands!

Most cheats start when their marriage is going through a rough patch and someone offers a sympathetic ear. So all that really stops us is a spouse who treats us well! Because cheating’s a risk management issue.

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There are high-risk behaviours, like heavy drinking and lots of footloose friends. And behaviours that protect your marriage, like being open and honest together and having a great sex life!

If you suspect your partner is cheating, you’ll probably want to confront them. But don’t expect an honest answer unless you have solid proof. And consider talking to a counsellor before you do. They’ll help you decide if the relationship’s worth saving. And if the answer’s yes, how to go about it.

Because most couples do recover. Especially couples who start being truly honest with one another, maybe for the very first time, and start asking the right questions, so that they really get to understand why things went wrong.

Those who fail, however, see the problem in terms of blame and won’t let go. It’s very hard to go on after an affair if there’s no forgiveness.

All the best,

Chris