Married but stressed: How to ask for help

We’ve all been through that period following a significant personal adversity, often termed a rough patch. It is truly one of the most difficult times because it leaves you emotionally and psychologically depleted.

And while the instinct for being self-reliant kicks in, the process of genuine recovery and restoration is honestly contingent on the support you get.

However, that is not always easy, especially in our deeply rooted African society. Reluctance to seek help is a common psychological barrier rooted in perceptions of weakness, fear of burdening loved ones or an underlying sense of shame.

This internal resistance, though understandable, can paradoxically prolong distress and isolate you from the support you really need.

In a marriage dynamic, past issues may have introduced a degree of relational strain, thus making the prospect of vulnerability particularly daunting.

But transparent communication during that period is crucial and should not be taken as frailty. It is a demonstration of strength and an important step toward rebuilding those relational bonds.

Initiating a conversation with a spouse requires intentionality and clarity. It is advisable to select a calm, private setting free from external pressures and distractions.

The focus of the communication should shift from a retrospective angle of the rough patch you’re in to what is happening currently and what you need. Be specific and articulate it so that your partner fully understands what you’re going through..

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Request for support clearly with actionable words, such as “I need more emotional presence at this time”, or you could say, “I need assistance with these specific domestic responsibilities”.

Using ‘I’ statements opens up your partner to be empathetic and more understanding. It is also important to recognise that your spouse may also be affected by the shared adversity, so approaching the conversation from a team point of view is the best way.

If you choose to, extending this outreach to other close family members and trusted friends necessitates a similar strategic approach. While their concern is often genuine, direct communication regarding the nature and extent of desired support should not be downplayed.

This involves clearly defining boundaries on what information you are prepared to share and precisely outlining the type of assistance that would be most helpful.

This minimises ambiguity, enabling your loved ones to provide effective support aligned with your needs.