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It’s a well-known fact that sex talk begins outside the bedroom. Spicing up the bedroom can be as simple as a phone call, a passionate text or sending a photo to keep your partner intimately thinking about you.
According to Dr Kimo Karatu, healthy communication and care are catalysts for great sex. This can be seen in the sultry locking of eyes, a long, warm embrace, a gentle touch and heartfelt compliments when two people first meet. This then progresses comfortably to conversations about sexual consent, boundaries, preferences, needs and desires.
“Good sexual communication is tied to consent. Therefore, if one partner is shy about speaking about sex, the other can create a space in which they feel empowered and free to do so,” says Dr Kiemo.
“There can’t be consent without an understanding of each other.”
The MindBodyGreen website suggests that new and long-term couples can use sexy conversation starters to initiate sexual discussions. Examples include: What part of your body do you want me to explore more? What’s your favourite part of my body?
Dr Kiemo believes that every couple’s approach to talking about sex is unique; therefore, there is no one-size-fits-all structure. He advises couples to express their sexual urges and explain why they are not in the mood if they aren’t.
He points out that sexual communication can be difficult, particularly when one or both partners are dealing with other life challenges. Shifting attention from responsibilities to bedroom matters can work wonders.
The fear of being rejected or judged when expressing desires can be overcome when partners commit to initiating and engaging in sex talk consistently.
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“I think mistrust leads to partners being judged incorrectly for communicating their desires. If they want to introduce something new, it may lead to questions about how they found out about it,” he says.
Dr Kiemo also notes that expressing sexual desires can be challenging for new and long-term couples alike due to social and cultural norms that either view sex as taboo or as too sacred for discussion.
“It is harder for women than men to talk about sex. The moment a woman knows too much about it, she is judged, whereas a man is praised for his sexual prowess,” he says.
If one partner is uncomfortable with the other’s sexual preferences, openness, mutual respect and trust can help them decide what works for them.
What to say:
Partners could ask each other how they feel during the act and express their own feelings (such as “that feels good”) and offer words of encouragement (such as “keep doing that”). You can also accompany words with actions, such as leading your partner to the area of your body that you want them to focus on.
The Bad Girls Bible website reads: “These things to say during sex help your man to maintain his stamina and excitement. For example, telling him how it feels is a form of positive reinforcement.”
However, Dr Kiemo discourages couples from interrupting moments of intimacy with unrelated conversations, as this may affect their sex life. He adds that the biggest red flag in sexual relationships is if a significant amount of time passes before a couple talks about sex.
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