Why can’t Kenyan men declare they are in a relationship like women do

A little virtual stalking revealed a glaring disparity in how couples express themselves online. It all started when I couldn’t quite figure out if the guy I was crushing on already had an object of affection.

I mean, there is only so much you can learn about a person by watching them from behind a tree. There was the practical option of approaching him but I didn’t want to be too obvious with the enquiry.

Besides, he would probably want to know who I am and why I am interested in his love life and I just wouldn’t know where to begin explaining.

So I opted to employ a more covert approach; stalk his social media. If he was seeing someone, there are bound to be some lovey dovey posts somewhere, right? That is how I went all Sherlock Holmes on his Instagram. All I needed was a pipe and a few cigars to really nail that role.

My crush, let’s call him Jay, has quite an online presence. This hardly comes as a surprise since he is quite the eye candy and has an over-inflated ego to boot. Exactly how I like ‘em!

Anyway, Jay has amassed quite a number of followers on Instagram, most of them ladies who can’t help but drool all over his pictures. Slow-witted attention seekers. Class anybody? Sorry, I digressed. I had to browse through his photos; all 1,005 five of them. Not that I am complaining. I cannot get enough of those abs.

Sure there were some pictures of him and a few ladies now and then but there was nothing to even remotely suggest that he was involved with any of them. As far as I could tell, they were nothing but daft bimbos who just wanted to be photographed with him. Who wouldn’t?

Triumphantly, I called my friend who knew about my obsession with Jay and informed her that he was in the clear and I was ready to go in for the kill.

However, she was not convinced. She told me to go back to his account on Instagram and pick out the ladies who appeared more than once and then look at their profiles. I did exactly that. Clearly, I have too much time on my hands. I need a hobby.

Anyway, one account crashed my dreams of a blissful life with Jay. She was his girlfriend! They have been together seven months. Yes, I gathered as much just from pictures and captions. There was not a single photo where she did not go on and on about him. I was baffled. He barely mentions her on his account but on the other hand, you could use her Instagram account to write a love story! I know men are not mushy by nature, but still, that was just unacceptable.

I do not care much for lame melodrama and sappy sentimentalities, however, I can give as much as I get. Call me dispassionate but if you don’t feel the need to make it clear that I am your ‘bae’ on Instagram, neither do I.

So, that was my unfortunate ending to a fantasy. I have since enrolled in a crocheting class.