Femicide - A problem of generational upbringing and absentee fathers

Naftali Kinuthia, the suspect in the hacking to death of Moi University sixth year medical student Ivy Wangechi, is a 28-year-old graduate of JKUAT

Joseph “Jowie” Irungu, who is on trial for the murder of Monica Nyawira, is 28 years. Maxwell Omondi Ochieng, alleged to have fatally stabbed Edinal Nyainda 22 times in the left lung, was 35 years old.

Bernard Martin, said to have slit the throat of Sharon Chepkoech after she jilted him, is 32 years.

I would have wished to enumerate all the beastly perpetrators of femicide in the country, but allow me to directly go to my point. From the above, one can directly deduce that these suspected killers are at the adrenalised age bracket of youth.

Then, a fundamental question arises: Is there a generational problem that has now decided to flashily rear its ugly head?

While we may not want to face the facts, it is increasingly becoming clear that young men in this country lack mental and emotional grit to face and accept being jilted, rejection and dejection. And society is partially responsible for this.

We live in an era when young men think they are entitled to the desideration of their physical, mental and emotional beings. And since we are solely responsible for our decisions and actions, this points to a fluid upbringing.

In most homes today, children are being raised by mothers and absentee fathers, and house helps. Even in the streets, you will always bump into a woman and her children begging. I have personally never met a man and children enfeebled in the streets.

The pubs

In our pursuit of career and social life somewhere along the way, we have forgotten how important the family dynamic is. It is not surprising that today, most fathers spend their days at work and nights in the pubs.

They barely have time to attend to their children. A reflection of this new family norm got my mind preoccupied with thoughts on what would become of their children, as they grow up without a prominent father figure in their lives.

Young men don’t have their fathers’ time and attention to express intimate relationship problems for advice; seldom turn to their mothers to pour out their hearts.

A lot of children today grow up entitled, not knowing that being dumped, cheated on and rejected is a reality and part of life. Yet the incessant need to infantilise children in an ever-growing-I’m-offended-by-everything-Internet world has left society clueless as to how detrimental this approach truly is.

Unfortunately, especially for the boy child, that is when a mentality of socially constructing women as sex objects that must accept or forcibly succumb to his coital needs starts building up. The effect will manifest itself later when he becomes overprotective, insecure, violent and a killer.

We also increasingly have a sizeable number of men who plant wild oats and dash when their girlfriends become pregnant, leaving their offspring susceptible to the harsh social and economic elements.

His whims

We are also in a generation where having money and living a flamboyant life is perceived as a success or its pinnacle.

Therefore, relationships have ended up being extensively monetized. There is a sense of entitlement that comes with having too much money at the centre of casual relationships these days and especially when the source is the man.

Men will often feel like they have full control of the woman because they are the provider in such relationships. 

When a woman defies him and goes contrary to his whims, then the fear of her cheating on him, most times imaginary, starts creeping in. And in his emotional and mental spinelessness, the man will want to show his inward weaknesses magnified by the outward physical strength.

Men were traditionally taught from a very early age to not let themselves be overcome by feelings and emotions.

They learned to suck it up, to go against them and to act upon them anyway.

As a society, we must, therefore, teach our young men how to disengage from terrible soul craving for women. It is our responsibility to tell them how to handle unrequited love and affection.

Emotional mastery doesn’t happen by mistake, by just living and growing older. A constant effort by a father figure is required.

It is first enabled by a collective understanding of what makes a man a man, then maintained by peer pressure to shame behaviours that don’t conform to this understanding.

Ultimately, we need to look into the societal hand in moulding the decisions of young men or we may end up failing to combat femicide. If we don’t act now, society will continue to suffer for our sins of omission and commission.

Mr Manass writes on topical [email protected]