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Home / Relationships

Confessions: I am scared of ending up alone, how do I get that ring?

 We have so much fun, some guys are great in bed but they never stay (Image: Shutterstock)

Hi Chris,

I am a 30-something single mum, successful at work and with a good social life. But I would also like to have a really good man in my life. So I make a point of meeting up with guys, and generally, I have a great time with someone new.

But then things always seem to gradually fall apart further down the line. Nothing dramatic - the relationships just fail to become established.

And I am struggling to figure out why. To begin with, we seem to get along well and have fun together, and we talk a lot. Some of the guys are even great in bed! But my relationships never seem to develop into anything long-lasting.

Am I missing something?

What’s Going Wrong?

Chris says,

Hi What’s Going Wrong?!

The most common reason why new relationships do not succeed is that trust fails to develop.

And that is all about how you get to know everything about each other. The first sign you are in a promising relationship is that you feel able to be open with one another. Anything less and things probably won’t work out.

But should you really tell all? Mightn’t your new friend just disappear into the night? Yes, they might! But it is far better to find any show stoppers early on, and part quickly rather than after several wasted months.

The question is not whether to come clean, it is when. Telling all on the first date is far too scary, but you mustn’t wait too long, or it will look like you have been holding back when things finally come out.

Possible show stoppers should be on the table from the word go. For instance, a single mother needs to slide that into the very first conversation. Something like, “Oh, is that the time? I must go and pick up my daughter…”

Likewise, slip in your marital history and any past or present issues. Just a mention will do, the details can be filled in later. But do not even try to hide something serious, not even for a few days!

Some guys will run for the hills. Good riddance to them.

After that, whenever your partner shares something, share something similar about yourself. Neither getting too far ahead or lagging behind.

Things like your interests, likes and dislikes, attitudes and values. Tell each other all about your family and friends, including any skeletons they are hiding in their cupboards.

You do not have to tell about every last fling, of course. But if one of your partners was famous, then confess. Own up to anything particularly wild you got up to, however long ago, so there are no surprises lying in wait for the future.

But lots and lots of detail are unnecessary. Just decide what should be shared, or left as something purely private.

Later on, start discussing your careers, goals and ambitions. And each other’s relationship expectations. Gradually, you will realise you have started a successful partnership indeed.

All the best,

Chris

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