How you readily sabotage yourself

By James Gitau

As I shared last week, while growing up, I witnessed domestic violence and abuse frequently, from my formative years to my late teens.

Going to boarding school, in my second year of secondary school, was a great relief. I was one of those students who would have preferred that schools did not close for holidays at all. I wanted to stay away from home as long as I could because I associated home with massive pain.

My traumatic childhood experiences had a major negative impact on me as I was growing up and as an adult. Though I put on a brave face and pretended that all was well, inside I was an emotional wreck who was insecure.

I protected myself with anger as it helped to keep off the people whom I imagined wanted to hurt me emotionally or physically.

The insecurity and self-sabotaging acts led to other destructive habits such as alcohol abuse and smoking (one can smoke all kinds of things).

Of course, when one is young, such behaviour is taken as part of growing up or blamed on peer pressure. However, I am now convinced by numerous studies and reflecting on my own life that a troubled childhood or adverse childhood experiences have a major influence on some of these ‘growing up’ forms of behaviour.

Is there a way out?

It took me close to 40 years to realise and accept that I needed help. About 15 years ago, I was very fortunate to be introduced to the field of personal development, which led me to self-discovery and helped me know that my issues were not uncommon and that I could do something about them.

Though I still have many more issues to deal with, I must say the journey has been very rewarding. As a result of my own transformation, I chose to change my career and quit my former lucrative business to share my message and skills with those who may need help.

However, you do not have to wait for 40 years. I will share three simple steps that you could use to start the journey of self-healing.

1. Forgiveness

Forgive those who caused you the pain that you experienced. It may have been your father, mother or other close members of the family. In most cases, those who cause us pain were well-meaning, loving people who had their own issues and did not know how to deal them.

Forgiveness removes a big burden from our shoulders and hearts. It helps us move forward instead of remaining stuck.

Let go of the past because the only thing you have is this moment, and you do not want to spend it reliving a painful past.  We must remember that we, too, are not perfect and may have caused someone else pain.

2. Let go of the shame and guilt

Many a times, we may feel shameful or guilty about what happened.

My biggest shame and guilt was that I was not able to protect the victim of the domestic violence, who was someone I loved dearly; my mother.

Incidentally, she also bore quite a bit of my anger. At times, I felt like she contributed to what befell her.

3. Learn from these life

Lessons

I know this one may be hard for many people, but let us be honest. Are there lessons that we can learn from the adversities we experience in life? What more empowering meaning can we give to whatever happened to us or around us?

We all know the story of Oprah Winfrey and what she went through as a child — sexual and physical abuse from age nine and a stillbirth when she was 14. She overcame all that and overturned that adversity to become a stronger person who now helps millions of people around the world.

So, what can you do with your life lessons, as bad as they may seem? Will you continue to blame the world or bless the world?

If find you need further help, get professional help.